


no matter how hard i try i need you the most (i need you the most)

by fir8008



Series: give the bruises out like gifts [17]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), YDPP (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, BNM boys are housemates too, Chatting & Messaging, Getting Together, M/M, Slow Burn, gwanghyun-centric, rbw/starship housemates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:07:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22156759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: Gwanghyun is always drowning / Donghyun has floaties
Relationships: Kim Donghyun/Lee Gwanghyun
Series: give the bruises out like gifts [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/799137
Comments: 10
Kudos: 14





	no matter how hard i try i need you the most (i need you the most)

**Author's Note:**

> hello! it has been a long time coming, but here is the final installment of the 'give the bruises out like gifts' series! i have been working on this fic (on and off, but mostly off, like always) for over a year (or... starting whenever ydpp was happening, because that's what sparked this) and i wanted this to be done at so many different points, but alas it was not meant to be until now. (as a sign of its age, i still refer to seoho (oneus) and jiann (newkidd) as gunmin and jaewoo - i know they legally changed their names, this fic is just that old my friends) 
> 
> i sincerely hope you enjoy this and i am happy that this final fic can be something i am genuinely proud of, often i'm not wholly pleased with what i write, but this one i am pretty happy with, so i hope that can be felt by the reader too 
> 
> cw: language, sexual content (discussed throughout, and near the end), mentions of sexual harassment, slut-shaming 
> 
> Title comes from "White Eyes" by The Wombats  
> (additional recommended listening: "Superstar" by Marina)

Of all the people Gwanghyun expects to ditch him at a party, Jeong Sewoon does not rank anywhere on his list. 

And yet, Sewoon is across the room talking to a very tall guy with red hair and a pretty girl who has her arm linked through his. Gwanghyun is hovering by the refreshments table, mechanically shoveling chips into his mouth in an effort to look like he belongs here. Sewoon invited him along - Sewoon, who never goes to parties - but Sewoon had ditched him the second he saw a familiar face. Gwanghyun wants to leave, but he doesn’t really want to leave on his own. It’s not that he feels like it’s a bad idea to leave Sewoon, these people are clearly his friends, but Gwanghyun doesn’t want to listen to their housemates all demanding to know where Sewoon was and how could Gwanghyun just leave him somewhere strange. 

“Hey,” someone says from beside Gwanghyun. 

“Hey,” Gwanghyun answers, grateful this person waited for him to stop inhaling chips before saying hello. He has an attractive face and a wide, sincere smile and eyes that sink into crescents. 

“I’m Donghyun,” he says. 

“Gwanghyun.” 

“Sorry,” Donghyun smiles again. “I was looking for someone else who looked like they didn’t know anyone. My friend has ditched me.” 

“Ah, was it obvious? I was trying to blend in with the chip bowl.” Gwanghyun cracks a smile. “I got ditched me too.” 

Donghyun nods as he reaches over to grab a few chips. “He’s over there with his ex-girlfriend and an old friend.” 

Gwanghyun blinks. “Is your friend the one with the red hair?” Donghyun nods as he crunches. “Oh, the guy he’s talking to is my roommate.” 

“Hey, small world,” Donghyun says. “He doesn’t really party so he invited me along for company and then he ran into a bunch of people he knows and suddenly I’m dead to him.” 

“Seriously? Same thing happened to me.”

They end up commandeering the chip bowl and finding a place to sit. Gwanghyun doesn’t think he could actually recall what he and Donghyun ended up talking about the entire night, because they seemed to find an endless stream of topics to chat about. It’s all meaningless small talk, nothing besides some vague personal preferences about music they like or movies they’ve watched. By the end of the night, Gwanghyun doesn’t know Donghyun’s last name or even what university he goes to, likewise Donghyun doesn’t know anything more about Gwanghyun. 

“Did you have fun?” Gwanghyun asks Sewoon when the party winds down and everyone starts going their separate ways. He’d said goodbye to Donghyun and neither of them had made a move to get the other’s phone number to keep up their chatting. Gwanghyun thinks he’s okay with that.

“Yes,” Sewoon replies. He has a serene grin on his face that reminds Gwanghyun of when they first met, huddled under the awning that rainy day, water dripping into their eyes, but Sewoon had been smiling so widely. “Did you?” 

Gwanghyun shrugs. “Yeah, I found someone to talk to. You were pretty deep in conversation too.” 

“That was Youngmin,” Sewoon says. “We grew up together, but we lost contact after I came to Seoul for high school. I didn’t know he was here, but he’s doing a graduate degree now. It was nice to catch up.” 

Gwanghyun hums in agreement. If Gwanghyun didn’t go to the same university as quite a few of his high school classmates, he might think it would be nice to run into one by chance and spend an evening catching up. But Gwanghyun knows that he has a thesis seminar Monday morning and he’s probably going to feel like he’s back in high school with the people in it. 

He feels Sewoon’s hand on his shoulder. Gwanghyun glances at him. “Hm?” 

“Sorry for ignoring you tonight,” Sewoon says softly. Gwanghyun wants to crawl into a hole. “I got carried away.” 

“It’s not a big deal,” Gwanghyun says. “Don’t worry about it. Like I said, I was hanging out with someone.” 

“Oh, yeah,” Sewoon brightens. “That was Donghyun. Youngmin pointed him out when we saw you two talking. Youngmin and Donghyun live together.”

“Small world,” Gwanghyun echoes Donghyun’s sentiment from earlier in the night. 

What Gwanghyun expects is to gradually forget about that party and about Donghyun, but he doesn’t. Gwanghyun catches himself thinking about Donghyun’s smile when he’s doing menial tasks like making breakfast or nagging his housemates to wash their own dishes. It’s weird, because Gwanghyun still doesn’t know Donghyun’s last name, still doesn’t have his phone number, and even Sewoon hasn’t brought him up in passing. 

Gwanghyun is still thinking about Donghyun on Monday morning when he walks into his thesis seminar classroom, so much so he doesn’t notice Hwanwoong calling to him. 

“Hey,” Hwanwoong says when Gwanghyun finally reacts to his name being called. “Where’s your head today? I even tried talking to you this morning and your head was in a fog.” 

“Sorry,” Gwanghyun reluctantly takes the seat beside Eunki. “It’s Monday.” 

It’s not that Gwanghyun actually dislikes these people (okay, no he probably actively dislikes Insoo) but other than Hwanwoong, by virtue of living with him, Gwanghyun would have been content to leave these fleeting, informal relationships back in high school. Hwanwoong is a good housemate because he washes his own dishes and puts them away and doesn’t make lots of noise. Eunki is nice enough too, though Gwanghyun doesn’t know him very well. Gwanghyun doesn’t like Insoo because he’s noisy and a busybody and he doesn’t really think many people like Insoo anyway. 

Gwanghyun has given exactly zero thought to his thesis. Since he isn’t doing a performance concentration, he can just do a research paper on music history, but he doesn’t have any particularly strong feelings to narrow down that topic. Knowing himself, he’ll probably just thumb through a reference book and pick the topic with the largest index. 

This class is basically just a meeting time, as their professor tells them, and that attendance isn’t required but if they weren’t actually using this class time to work on their thesis projects, they’d definitely be fucked, so just use it. After that message, Gwanghyun just wants to go back to his dorm and lay face down on his bed until his next class, but Eunki links their arms and invites him to grab a coffee on their way to the library. 

“I don’t want to drink this toilet water,” Insoo grouches. 

“We aren’t walking over to where your boyfriend works just so you can flirt with him,” Hwanwoong grumbles. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of no one wanting to date you,” Insoo snaps. 

“We’ve almost graduated university and this is still the only thing about me you can find to make fun of,” Hwanwoong sighs. 

“If you applied yourself, you could get a girlfriend. And without applying yourself, you could easily get a boyfriend.” 

“Insoo, I am straight. I have also been telling you this since high school. I remind you at least four times a week.” 

“You know last semester, Sangbin told me a lot of guys he’d slept with before came up to him and asked about you. God, I love Park Soyeon. I talked to her like three times but I love her just the same because she made you slut drop and stick your ass in the air during the dance showcase.” 

“Our genre was girlish!” Hwanwoong says hotly. “It wasn’t even that risque!” 

“Yeah,” Insoo snorts. “That’s why your song choice was called ‘Sex on the Ceiling.’”

Sangbin’s name makes the hair stick up on the back of Gwanghyun’s neck. How stupid. Eunki is just rolling his eyes and sending Gwanghyun apologetic little smiles. 

The barista at the library cafe is a cute girl with colorful hair ties. She smiles and bows to them politely. The tag on her shirt says her name is Goeun. 

“Excuse me, Goeun sshi,” Insoo says, leaning on the counter. “Would you want to date this person?” Her face goes blank at the sight of Hwanwoong. “I know he is short and kind of ugly, but he is nice I guess and has been forever single and… ow!!” 

Hwanwoong has dug his fingers into Insoo’s ribs and rammed his knee up Insoo’s ass. “I’m going to kill you,” he says. 

Eunki acts like this is a perfectly normal occurrence - unfortunately, it seems to be - and herds a whining Insoo and Gwanghyun to a little table away from the counter where Hwanwoong is apologizing profusely to the barista. Gwanghyun wants to go home. 

“I’m going to kill you,” Hwanwoong says a few minutes later as he slams a tray of coffees onto the table. “I’m going to kill you so dead that your ancestors will feel it.”

“Why? Because I tried to get you a date?” Insoo snorts. 

“Because I’m mentoring her,” Hwanwoong hisses. “We’re doing the same double major and I’m her peer advisor! You could have gotten me in so much trouble. I swear, watch yourself, I’m going to kill you.” 

“Whatever,” Insoo grumbles as he sulks into his coffee.

Gwanghyun is genuinely surprised that Hwanwoong ordered him an iced Americano without Gwanghyun asking for one. “That’s the only thing I’ve seen you drink,” Hwanwoong sounds slightly defensive. “You make them at home too.”

“Thanks,” Gwanghyun mumbles.

“See, this thoughtfulness would be so attractive to other people. If only you didn’t have so many other flaws.” Insoo says.

“Eunki, if he doesn’t stop speaking to me I can’t be held responsible for my actions.”

Eunki changes the subject. “Why don’t we all just try to set up a study schedule? Even the performance has a short written part.” Eunki turns to look at Gwanghyun. “Ah, but you’re probably not doing a thesis with a performance component, are you?”

Gwanghyun shakes his head. “No, but it’s fine. You don’t need to…”

Eunki waves his words away. “It’s fine. It’s good to do research in groups anyway. We’ll have a good support system.”

Gwanghyun finds himself giving in for some reason, though he isn’t quite sure why. Normally, he’d resist, but something inside him is weak and frayed and is letting Eunki’s friendly smile convince him to join this odd group.

Hwanwoong goes back to the counter to return the tray and Goeun hands him something with two hands. It looks like a piece of paper and Hwanwoong nods politely and stuffs it into his pocket. He comes back as they all begin standing up. Gwanghyun checks his watch. His other class is on the other side of campus so he should probably start moving.

“See you at home,” Hwanwoong says to him.

“See you,” Gwanghyun replies.

Eunki waves and Insoo basically ignores him because he’s started squabbling with Hwanwoong again.

Gwanghyun starts walking and feels weird. It’s not like he’s a person who pushes people away – how could he live with six roommates if he were? – but maybe he keeps most people at arm’s length. Sewoon’s an exception to this, of course. Gwanghyun suddenly thinks of Donghyun again, and thinks he wouldn’t mind if Donghyun came a little closer than arm’s length. It’s startling, because Gwanghyun doesn’t know him, and even if he liked talking to him, it was only for a short time under specific circumstances. Donghyun might be a completely different kind of person outside of that party at that time. What did Gwanghyun know?

[Deck the Halls with Flying Balls] 

gongnamja set his name to seoho hyung 

seoho hyung: i finally got it changed! :) 

[Deck the Halls with Flying Balls]

geonhee neomu yeppeo set seoho hyung’s name to lee some hoe 

geonhee neomu yeppeo: gunmin hyung sweaty i’m so sorry whom is this bitch!!! 

lee some hoe: >:((( 

Gwanghyun rolls over to turn off his alarm clock and he can hear Sewoon shifting around in his bed.

“Why are you up so early?” Sewoon yawns. 

“I have a thesis group meeting,” Gwanghyun replies. 

“Oh, alright,” Sewoon stretches. “Have fun.” 

“Sure,” Gwanghyun says. 

Gwanghyun thinks he’s been muddling through life since high school. He didn’t have big aspirations, he didn’t have any concrete goals, and he approached obstacles without much vigor. Whatever the easiest way to solve a problem was, he’d pick that route and not think too much about it. It’s not like he didn’t have standards - Jaehwan, his and Sewoon’s former roommate, escaped certain death because Gwanghyun didn’t think Jaehwan and his inability to pick up after himself was worth going to prison over - but Gwanghyun found himself living like a reed and letting the wind dictate his behavior. Very few things bothered him, mostly bad hygiene and messiness, but Gwanghyun had been living with decent roommates for a long enough time that periodic messes didn’t bug him nearly as much as they did before. 

Dongmyeong is already awake and sitting at their kitchen table, sheet music spread in front of him. He’s tapping furiously on his phone with one hand and trying to eat with the other. 

“You’re going to spill something,” Gwanghyun says. 

Dongmyeong just shrugs as he finishes typing on his phone, then quickly scoops up all his sheet music, and runs out the door, yelling he has to go to band practice. He leaves his breakfast dishes on the table. Gwanghyun’s eye twitches as his phone pings. 

[Deck the Halls with Flying Balls] 

geonhee neomu yeppeo: stop accusing me of reverse favoritism sweaties [kissy face emoji]

geonhee neomu yeppeo set choi-ry bomb’s name to sure jiann 

sure jiann: i breathed 

Gwanghyun is clearing Dongmyeong’s dishes when Hwanwoong comes out of his room looking grumpy. 

“Hi,” Gwanghyun says. 

“Hey. I’m not going this morning. Something came up.” 

“Okay.” Gwanghyun shrugs. He doesn’t really care. In fact, he might not go to this meeting either. He really doesn’t feel like it. 

Gwanghyun still goes to the music library to page through reference books, trying to pick a topic not at random. He eventually picks guitar music as a starting point because Gwanghyun likes guitars, and if anything he can pick Sewoon’s brain for more ideas. He could even deign to get back in contact with Jaehwan.

Or he could try to get in contact with Donghyun. Donghyun had mentioned that he played instruments, maybe the guitar was one of them. 

Gwanghyun is picking through books when he runs into Eunki. “Oh,” Gwanghyun says. “I forgot that was today.” It’s a lie but Eunki doesn’t look particularly upset with him.

Eunki shrugs. “It’s okay. Hwanwoong told us something came up with him, and Insoo’s having a cow about his performance and has been in the dance studio all morning. It would have just been you and me.” 

Gwanghyun nods. “What is your thesis going to be?” 

“My performance component is modern dance. All of our papers are basically reflections on the process but I’ve been having a hard time figuring out how much I should say that my boyfriend influences me artistically.” 

“Does he? Do you two dance together?” 

Eunki’s face lights up instantly. “We do. He’s here studying dance too and when we’re both free we just put on music and experiment.” Eunki has a wistful smile on his face. “I wish I had more free time. I have a job and I have my dance team even though our recruitment strategy completely failed and we didn’t find any new members so we can’t compete this year.” 

Gwanghyun just nods along to what Eunki is saying. Gwanghyun has never been involved in school clubs, not even in high school, so he doesn’t know exactly how busy Eunki is, but he seems like he has pretty good time management. 

“What’s your topic?” 

“I haven’t really decided yet.” Gwanghyun answers. “I’ll probably just pick something that’s easy to research.” 

Eunki just shrugs politely. His face is saying that he thinks that’s a terrible way to pick a topic, but Eunki is a person with concrete goals. Gwanghyun is not. 

Gwanghyun is a reed with no thoughts of his own. 

Gwanghyun eventually falls into a routine of waking up early for classes and library meetings with Eunki, Hwanwoong, and Insoo. Geonhee occasionally accompanies them, but most of the time it’s just the four of them. Gwanghyun isn’t sure how he managed to integrate himself so seamlessly. Maybe it’s a weird survival instinct that’s telling Gwanghyun he needs this sort of companionship to buoy himself through pretending to know what his thesis will be about. 

“Is that from the cafe?” Insoo is glaring at the muffin Hwanwoong has brought along to one of their rare afternoon library meetings.

“Yes.” 

“Why do you have it?” 

“I bought it?” 

Insoo glares. “Why are you visiting my boyfriend at his job behind my back? Are you trying to steal him from me?” 

Hwanwoong rolls his eyes. “You will never stop being delusional.” 

“I understand. You’ve finally taken aim at a man and are trying to seduce Taemin. I’m sorry, Hwanwoong, but Taemin likes women.” 

“Please stop talking,” Hwanwoong groans. 

Insoo holds out his hand. “Give me some of the muffin.” 

Hwanwoong snatches it away. “No! It’s mine!” 

“Something is suspicious here. You always share your food.” Insoo scowls. 

“I don’t want to share today,” Hwanwoong retorts. 

“Eunki,” Insoo whines. “Hwanwoong is trying to steal my boyfriend.” 

“Please stop,” Eunki sighs. “Don’t you have other things to worry about?” 

“Don’t remind me.” 

“That is literally the point of these meetings.” 

Insoo just slumps down in his seat. “You two callously betrayed me by starting to work on your thesis projects without informing me. All I did this winter was get fat.” Insoo presses his face against the table and sighs loudly.

Eunki pats his head. “It won’t be too hard to catch up.” 

Insoo just whines. 

[Deck the Halls with Flying Balls] 

oh! my gwanghyun: who left their dishes in the sink they’ve been here since last night 

dong we now our gay apparel: mine 

oh! my gwanghyun: please wash and put them away before you add more dirty dishes to the sink 

geonhee neomu yeppeo: also please change your chat name, it’s not christmas anymore, i let the name of the group go, but i’m getting tired of reading your name

dong we now our gay apparel: no

dong we now our gay apparel: too bad

dong we now our gay apparel: band practice bye 

oh little ponyo: dongmyeongie i like your name! 

The pattern continues as Gwanghyun finally picks a thesis topic, though if pressed to explain it, Gwanghyun doesn’t actually think he’d be able to - thank god there’s no thesis defense - but he also didn’t pick his topic out of a hat so he’s celebrating small victories. 

Small victories do not include no longer thinking about Donghyun though. Gwanghyun doesn’t know why Donghyun refuses to be forgotten, but his thoughts stray to Donghyun and his smile so much Gwanghyun has to wonder if in those few hours of chatting he somehow caught feelings. 

“Get off of me! You’re sweaty and disgusting and you smell!” Hwanwoong barks as Insoo drapes himself over his shoulders. 

“Take pity on me. You and Eunki ditched me so this is the least you could do. I’m lonely. My Kenta works late tonight.” Insoo whines. “And you went to go see him without me, why are you always going to the cafe without telling me? You’re trying to snatch away my man!”

In the short time Gwanghyun has spent with his former high school classmates, he has come to realize how rapidly Insoo’s moods can change and how much Hwanwoong has to deal with him alone while Eunki is at work. 

Hwanwoong holds his coffee away from Insoo. “I assure you, I do not want your man. And you can come over for a while, but you have to shower first!” 

Hwanwoong looks at Gwanghyun apologetically but Gwanghyun decides to just wait with Hwanwoong while Insoo showers in the dance studio locker room because it’s not like Gwanghyun will go home and Insoo will magically not show up later. Anyway, Insoo has a car, and that sure beats walking.

[Deck the Halls with Flying Balls] 

yeo spin my head right round: insoo is coming over, i’m sorry in advance 

yeo spin my head right round: also gwanghyun says if the dirty dishes haven’t been washed by the time we get home he’s going to kill someone (dongmyeong)

dong we now our gay apparel: FUCK 

lee some hoe: LANGUAGE 

When they get back to the dorm, the kitchen is spotless and Dongmyeong is sulking at the table with Jaewoo and the others are apparently out or, in Gunmin’s case specifically, probably already asleep. Sewoon was away, a cancelled Friday class had given him an impromptu long weekend and he decided to visit his parents. 

Gwanghyun, Hwanwoong, and Insoo join Dongmyeong and Jaewoo at the table (“It’s a breakfast nook!” Gunmin had said sunnily when he was first showing Sewoon and Gwanghyun the apartment) and Gwanghyun decides to say it.

“I think I’m having a gay crisis.” 

Dongmyeong snorts. “Mood.” 

Jaewoo pinches Dongmyeong on the back of the elbow, making him yelp. “No, not ‘mood.’” 

“You’re right,” Dongmyeong says, rubbing the back of his elbow. “You’re right. I always knew I was gay.” 

Hwanwoong is staring at Gwanghyun. “Haven’t you been gay?” He groans and covers his face. “Please don’t come out as straight to me, I can’t deal with that.” 

“What? No, no, I’m gay. That’s not the crisis.” These aren’t the responses Gwanghyun was expecting. 

“So what is the crisis?” Jaewoo asks. 

“You know that party Sewoon and I went to?” A couple of nods. “Sewoon ran into some people he knew but I didn’t know anybody and I ended up talking to this guy who didn’t know anybody either, and we just hung out the whole night. I don’t know. He was really good looking. I think I like him.” 

Dongmyeong asks if Gwanghyun got his number at the same time Insoo asks if he sucked the guy’s dick. 

Hwanwoong elbows Insoo in the ribs. “Shut up,” he hisses. 

“It’s a valid question.” Insoo retorts, rubbing his side. 

“I didn’t,” Gwanghyun says. “Do either.” 

Dongmyeong’s jaw drops. “Why didn’t you get his number?” 

“He’s Sewoon’s friend’s roommate,” Gwanghyun sputters. “I can’t just ask for his number!” 

“After talking all night? It was probably weird that you didn’t ask for it.” Dongmyeong snorts.

“You could ask Sewoon for it when he gets back.” Jaewoo shrugs. 

“It just feels weird.” Gwanghyun says. 

Dongmyeong props his chin up on his hands. “Well, you don’t really go out and make many friends, so getting a guy’s number after meeting him is definitely out of your comfort zone.” 

Gwanghyun blinks as his other housemates hide their snorts. Did Dongmyeong just, in a thinly veiled way, say that Gwanghyun had no friends? Or, had no game? Gwanghyun represses a laugh. Gwanghyun has had lots of guys. If only Dongmyeong knew him back when he did things like that. Well, actually, not knowing him back then is probably for the best.

“Whatever,” is the response Gwanghyun chooses to give Dongmyeong. 

The conversation shifts from Gwanghyun’s inability to get Donghyun’s number to other topics, mainly how Dongmyeong is moping over not having a boyfriend, and how Hwanwoong is definitely not dating the girl from the library coffee station. 

“Kenta saw you two at the cafe together,” Insoo says. “You’ve been caught. Just admit it.” 

“It wasn’t a date,” Hwanwoong grouches. 

“You paid for her.” Insoo argues.

“To apologize for you being such a horse’s ass in her place of work.” 

“I’m still waiting for you to thank me for getting you a date with a cute girl.” 

“We’re not dating!” Hwanwoong snaps. “We can’t be dating right now. I’m her peer mentor; it’s inappropriate!” 

Insoo makes a face and even Dongmyeong doesn’t look completely convinced. Gwanghyun believes Hwanwoong but he keeps his face neutral. Honestly, he doesn’t want to get into it. 

“He’s right,” Jaewoo comes to Hwanwoong’s rescue. “We all got lectured about not abusing our positions of power with the underclassmen. We already have a lot of power over them by advising them on what classes to take and how to approach the double major, so dating would definitely not be okay.” 

“Thank you,” Hwanwoong grumbles. 

The conversation ends up trailing off again, Dongmyeong taking over to complain about how band practice and classes leave him without any time to try to find someone to date. 

“Why are you so hung up on finding a boyfriend?” Jaewoo sighs. 

“There are cute couples all over campus. Holding hands. Snuggling up on couches in the library. Having lunch together in the cafeteria. Kissing in front of classrooms. It’s disgusting. I want it.” Dongmyeong lets his head drop against the table. “It’s not fair. This guy in my vocal technique class has a boyfriend who meets him after class every time. They’re adorable. It makes me sick.” 

“You don’t sound like you actually want to date if you think all the PDA is gross,” Gwanghyun ventures. 

Dongmyeong looks at him dully. “No. The opposite. I want people to look at me and my hypothetical hot boyfriend and find us disgusting. I want people to envy me for having a hypothetical hot boyfriend.” 

“Oh.” 

“Please don’t add to it,” Hwanwoong groans. “My eyes are constantly being blinded by couples. Eunki and Jung Jung hyung are terrible. Insoo and Kenta hyung have always been terrible. But motherfucker, Sangbin hyung and Jaechan really take the cake. They make my eyes bleed.” 

“Oh! It’s Jaechannie who has the boyfriend who meets him after class!” Dongmyeong whines. “I’m so jealous!” 

Gwanghyun can’t help but be startled. “Huh?” comes out involuntarily. Gwanghyun kicks himself. He’s not supposed to care about this! 

“Oh, you might remember them both from high school, Kim Sangbin who was a year ahead of us, and Yoon Jaechan who was a year behind us. They’re dating and they make me want to tear out my eyeballs.” Hwanwoong rubs his face. “They’re the worst.” 

“You’re jealous too,” Insoo says. 

“Oh please,” Hwanwoong groans. “They’re nauseating.”

Gwanghyun doesn’t know why he can hear his heart pounding in his ears. He’s being an idiot. Sangbin can do whatever (or whoever) he wants. Gwanghyun doesn’t even know who Jaechan is, not like it matters anyway, Gwanghyun has no quarrel with him. 

“Sangbin just never seemed like the type to settle down.” Gwanghyun can’t keep his stupid mouth closed. 

Insoo shrugs. “That’s how everyone with a fear of commitment acts, dicking around until you find the right one. Honestly, Jaechannie’s the weird one for falling for that hyung.” 

Gwanghyun reminds himself sternly that it doesn’t matter. What happened was a long time ago and Gwanghyun always knew deep down it wasn’t going to be more than that. 

Insoo yawns widely. “I’m so fucking tired. It’s so late. Hey, Hwanwoong, let me sleep over.” 

“Bitch where?” Hwanwoong snaps. “You’re not sleeping in my room. There’s nowhere to put you.” 

“Sewoon’s not home,” Jaewoo says. “You can crash on his bed.” 

Gwanghyun is mildly offended that Jaewoo didn’t bother asking Gwanghyun if that was okay before offering up his and Sewoon’s shared space. Even so, Gwanghyun doesn’t think he minds, because if Insoo is so tired, he’ll just drop off to sleep. 

“Thanks,” Insoo says, stifling another yawn. “I’ve just gotta call my boyfriend and tell him where I am.” Insoo wanders into a corner of their living room while the rest of them shuffle off to bed. Insoo returns and follows Gwanghyun back to his room.

“That one is Sewoon’s,” Gwanghyun points to Sewoon’s neatly made bed. “You can make yourself comfortable.” He leaves to brush his teeth and put his pajamas on - Gwanghyun is not comfortable enough around Insoo to just change in front of him - and when he returns, Insoo has already wrapped himself in Sewoon’s bedsheets. 

“So,” Insoo says. “Lots of questions about Sangbin, huh?” 

“Lots?” Gwanghyun asks. “Two?” 

“Are you upset you’ve missed your chance to sit on his dick? Understandable.” 

Gwanghyun shuts off the room light. “Good night, Insoo.” 

“You can tell me. I have intimate knowledge of the kind of person Sangbin is.”

“This is why I never liked you in high school,” Gwanghyun huffs, loud enough for Insoo to hear. “You’re annoying as all hell.”

Insoo turns on Sewoon’s lamp. “How did you not like me in high school?” he sputters. “We didn’t know each other in high school! We met a couple times at most!” 

“You were still annoying,” Gwanghyun says shortly. “Anyway, I knew who you were. You were always standing outside your classroom doing punishments.” Mostly with Sangbin, Gwanghyun doesn’t add. 

“Yeah?” Insoo snorts. “I knew who you were too. Hard to miss when your name was written all over the inside of toilet stalls.” 

Gwanghyun can feel his face start burning. 

“You know, stuff like Lee Gwanghyun in year 1, class 5 is good with his hands. Or, that second year Lee Gwanghyun gives good head. And by year three, there was a lot of stuff about how you were a whore.” 

Gwanghyun needs Insoo to shut up but he can’t say anything. He knows Insoo’s type well enough to know that if he says anything, it’ll just add fuel to the fire. 

“I don’t think you were a whore.” Insoo says. “You didn’t have sex with Sangbin, that probably would’ve pushed it over the edge.” 

Gwanghyun feels like ice water has been poured over his burning body. He hadn’t slept with Sangbin in high school. But in university, he’d bumped into him again. Sangbin recognized him, asked if they went to the same high school. Gwanghyun confirmed it.

“I heard a lot of rumors about you,” Sangbin had said, wryly, teasingly. 

“I heard some about you too.” 

“Like?” 

Gwanghyun doesn’t know what had emboldened him so much. Plainly, his desire. He’d stepped into Sangbin’s personal space to whisper, “I heard you have a pretty big dick.” 

He’d laughed at that, but had trailed his thumb down the fly of his jeans, an enticing come on. “Do want to take a look?” Sangbin asked. “See if the rumors are true?” 

“I want to do more than look.” 

Gwanghyun had ended up on his hands and knees in the grass in some secluded area with his pants shoved down just under his ass and Sangbin had fucked him. Looking back on it made him think it must have been an out of body experience. Gwanghyun hated this, it had been such a degrading position to have sex in, especially with a person Gwanghyun knew went through sexual partners some people went through tissues. He hadn’t been drunk. He wanted to sleep with Sangbin. At the time, he hadn’t even cared about how they did it. He wanted more of him after they were done. Gwanghyun relished that soreness and wanted Sangbin more. 

“Oh my god,” Insoo’s voice slices through Gwanghyun’s swirling thoughts. “You did. You did sleep with him.” 

“Shut up,” Gwanghyun croaks. “Just shut up.” 

Insoo shockingly obliges. He must be chewing on that information. Gwanghyun doesn’t care. Insoo turns off Sewoon’s lamp and Gwanghyun is grateful for the darkness.

“Ugh,” Insoo says suddenly. “This means we’ve indirectly had sex.” 

Gwanghyun does not get up and smother Insoo because Sewoon would probably be upset someone had been murdered in his bed while he was away. 

Gwanghyun wakes up and Insoo is no longer in his room. Sewoon’s bed has been remade, though it doesn’t look nearly as neat. Gwanghyun is half-heartedly grateful that Insoo at least has some basic manners.

Gwanghyun muddles through his morning, trying to keep thoughts of Insoo and his sharp words out of his mind. He’s not like that anymore. Since he moved apartments, he’s done his best to scrub that reputation clean. It wasn’t just Jaehwan leaving the whole apartment in disarray that was pushing Gwanghyun over the edge. It was the looks he gave Gwanghyun every time there was a different guy sneaking out in the morning. If he’d just been like Sewoon, who never said anything about it directly, who only asked questions that could’ve realistically been about something else, maybe Gwanghyun could have let the other things slide. But he couldn’t take that silent judgment anymore so when there was an opportunity to move, Gwanghyun jumped at it. Especially because he’d have to share a room. No more sleeping around. He wasn’t going to do it anymore. And he didn’t. He found out that he didn’t really want to; it was just how he filled time and it was degrading. Gwanghyun never really did find any other hobbies, but at least he had stopped failing all of his classes. 

Sangbin was still a sore subject though. Gwanghyun had been attracted to his devil may care attitude in a childish way. Even in high school, everyone had gossipped about him and about yet Sangbin never seemed to care. Gwanghyun cared so much every time he saw new graffiti somewhere that identified him as an easy lay. Sangbin represented some kind of ideal to him, and Gwanghyun just wanted that so much. 

Gwanghyun pauses before entering the library. If he’s honest, he wants to skip today. He doesn’t want to be face to face with Insoo so soon after experiencing his viciousness firsthand. It was kind of sick that Insoo just knew how to push people’s buttons to get under their skin just the right way. But Eunki would be there. Eunki wouldn’t let Gwanghyun get torn apart like that again, would he? Gwanghyun doesn’t really know why, but he decides he’ll put his faith in how Eunki will theoretically defend him and walks into the library. 

Geonhee has joined them today and there’s a small city of coffee cups at their larger than normal table. Hwanwoong looks particularly cranky. 

“Who pissed in your mouth?” Insoo asks as Hwanwoong slams the book he was flipping through shut. 

“That is so disgusting,” Eunki grumbles. 

“Shut up,” Hwanwoong groans, dropping his head on the book. “Just leave me alone to die.” 

“Last night he was complaining about needing to cite his sources,” Geonhee explains. 

“Why do I need to tell them how I know something? Just trust me, I’ve been doing this for a while.” Hwanwoong says into the book. 

Gwanghyun makes some sympathetic sounds along with the others when Eunki leans out of his seat to call to someone across the library. “Jaechannie!” 

Gwanghyun turns instinctively when Jaechan comes over to their table. This is Jaechan. This is the person that Sangbin’s settled down with and chosen. Gwanghyun has to admit he’s not entirely surprised. Jaechan is tall and slim and attractive, but something about him rubs Gwanghyun the wrong way. There’s something about him that feels very fake, like Jaechan’s exterior is just a candy coating, and for some reason it just makes Gwanghyun feel on edge. It’s not like Gwanghyun easily passes judgments about liking or disliking people, but he can’t shake the feeling that he just really doesn’t like Jaechan. 

“I’m shocked to see you aren’t attached to Sangbin hyung’s dick,” Insoo says dully. 

Jaechan’s face flushes. “Please don’t talk about that,” Jaechan grumbles. “It’s not your business.” 

“It is my business,” Insoo insists. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. Think of all the people you’re going to indirectly have sex with the second you sit on that hyung’s dick. You’re going to be having indirect sex with me. And Eunki. We’re your parents. That’s definitely incest. You can’t do that.” 

“Shut up,” Jaechan grumbles. “We aren’t having sex.” 

“Good, you shouldn’t be,” Insoo continues. “If you do, you’ll have indirectly had sex with everyone at this table.” 

Gwanghyun freezes. 

“How many times do I have to tell you I’m straight?” Hwanwoong grouches. “You’ve been making a fuss about me and Goeun and now you’re back to this?” 

“I wasn’t talking about you,” Insoo says dismissively. 

Gwanghyun feels his stomach clench. 

“Then, who…” Hwanwoong swivels to Geonhee. “No,” he groans. “Please, don’t tell me you had sex with Sangbin hyung. Geonhee, I’ll lose all respect for you if you slept with him.” 

Gwanghyun can hear his heart pounding in his ears. 

“I did not sleep with Sangbin. I barely know him.” Geonhee says, but his voice sounds distant. Gwanghyun can barely hear him. God damn, Insoo couldn’t keep his mouth shut! 

“He doesn’t count,” Insoo says. “Everyone knows Geonhee doesn’t put out.”

“Well then, who…” Hwanwoong’s head swivels and his eyes meet Gwanghyun’s. 

It’s that look again. Jaehwan always looked like that. The surprise that was veiling the judgment. Gwanghyun wants to puke. He stands up, barely hearing, barely seeing, barely feeling the pain in his knees from banging them into the underside of the table. He mumbles something about needing to leave and escapes. He thinks he can hear Eunki calling out to him, but he doesn’t turn back. He shouldn’t have come today. Why did Gwanghyun ever think Insoo could keep his mouth closed? 

“Gwanghyun! Gwanghyun, wait a minute!” 

Gwanghyun can hear Hwanwoong, but he doesn’t want to stop. He doesn’t need to hear any more from any of them. He knows what they think and he - 

Gwanghyun’s arm jerks back and Hwanwoong spins him so they’re face to face. 

“Get off!” Gwanghyun is glad he managed to get out of the library, because he can’t help but yell. 

“Gwanghyun,” Hwanwoong is yelling back. “What I just said about Geonhee, that doesn’t apply to you!” 

“I…” Gwanghyun doesn’t know how to react to that. “What?”

“What I just said to Geonhee about sleeping with Sangbin, that has nothing to do with you. I didn’t mean that if anyone else said they slept with him, I’d feel like that. Because I don’t. You can do whatever you want. I don’t think any less of you.” 

“Um. Okay?” Gwanghyun shifts uncomfortably. 

Hwanwoong’s not finished though. “I never thought that way about you. Actually, I didn’t even know Sangbin was actually gay until last summer. I just thought he slept with guys because we went to an all boys’ school and other guys were just… there.” 

“I thought you knew I was gay,” Gwanghyun squints at Hwanwoong. 

“I did! What I mean is, back in high school,” Gwanghyun’s insides clench, “I never believed any of the things people said about you. I just thought that was how people bullied each other in an all boys’ school. And I’m sorry I didn’t really know you that well, so I didn’t do anything.”

“It’s not like you were the one doing the bullying,” Gwanghyun says tersely. 

“I know but I’m still sorry.” 

“You don’t have to bring it up now.” Gwanghyun grumbles. “It’s over. I really did have to go, so I’ll just… do that.” 

“Sure,” Hwanwoong nods, but he’s frowning as Gwanghyun turns away, like he doesn’t really buy what Gwanghyun just said. 

It’s true though. Gwanghyun doesn’t hold any grudges towards Hwanwoong for things that happened back then. And even if Hwanwoong did mean to include Gwanghyun in his statement to Geonhee about losing respect for people who slept with Sangbin, Gwanghyun couldn’t begrudge him that. He lost a fair bit of respect for himself that night anyway. 

Gwanghyun’s pocket buzzes several times and he sighs as he fishes it out, fully expecting Eunki or Geonhee to be texting him about how they too don’t think he’s the worst for having sex with Sangbin, but instead it’s a string of texts from an unknown number. 

unknown number [hey, don’t know if you remember me from the party a few weeks ago, but this is donghyun]

unknown number [our roommates bumped into each other again and sewoon gave youngmin who gave me your number]

unknown number [i hope that’s okay with you, if it’s not that’s completely fine! sorry to bug you]

unknown number [so how have you been?] 

Gwanghyun is frozen, staring at his phone. Today has been so fucking strange, this might as well happen too. Gwanghyun has some lingering reservations, what if they’re not like the way they were at the party when they felt that weird camaraderie from being ditched by their friends, what if they’re not compatible outside of that specific space and time? But Gwanghyun has been wanting to talk to Donghyun again, and here he was, texting him out of the blue. Gwanghyun would be stupid to ignore this, so he pushes aside his reservations and texts back. 

Gwanghyun doesn’t expect just how much of his day suddenly becomes consumed by texting back and forth with Donghyun. Part of him thought that it might become normal to start chatting back and forth with Donghyun because Donghyun had proved to be the same as the night they met, and talking to him came easily. Talking to Donghyun everyday becomes a respite for Gwanghyun, because he can’t shake the feeling of awkwardness when he’s around the others now. No one has brought up the incident from the last time they were all at the library - not Geonhee or Hwanwoong at home, nor Eunki or even Insoo at their usual meetings, and also not Jaechan who has begun to join them periodically. Gwanghyun doesn’t know if he wants them to bring it up or not. They were all there when it happened and Gwanghyun doesn’t know if he feels more uncomfortable that no one has decided to acknowledge it. 

He also still doesn’t like Jaechan that much. Gwanghyun doesn’t really know if he can be considered good at reading people, but Jaechan definitely fakes his shyness and his helplessness around his hyungs and has them all wrapped around his finger. Everyone gets taken in by him, so Gwanghyun isn’t surprised that Jaechan keeps this kind of act up, but it gets on his nerves for some reason. Maybe a small, weird part of him is resentful that Jaechan is the one, out of all the people Sangbin could have chosen from, that won, when everything about him feels so disingenuous and fake. 

Gwanghyun tries to push these kinds of thoughts away because it’s stupid to get caught up thinking about that kind of thing. Instead, he tries to tell Donghyun interesting things even when his days cycle along repetitively. There’s just nothing interesting about him, or what he’s doing. Donghyun seems to be awake at all hours, having graduated from university the previous year. He got his music degree in composition and was currently freelancing, writing jingles and trying to sell them, giving the odd guitar lesson here and there, and playing his own songs in cafes or at open mic nights at random bars. He has three roommates, one of whom apparently goes to Gwanghyun’s university and is one of Eunki’s good friends, and they all study different, interesting things. Gwanghyun has twice as many roommates, but they’re all studying the same thing, except for Gunmin who was doing a sports science degree. Yes, Dongmyeong was in a band, and all of his housemates were infinitely more talented at music than Gwanghyun, but he found it so hard to talk about anything. 

Did Donghyun even like talking to him? 

Gwanghyun is slightly distracted from his simpleminded woes for a couple weeks when Insoo shows up at the library in a markedly worse mood than usual. His bad moods persist and even Gwanghyun can sense this bad mood is different from other bad moods because Insoo doesn’t even do any of his usual needling of people, even though Hwanwoong and Jaechan are there to poke fun at. Insoo scowls and when he shows up to the library wearing the same clothes as the previous day, Gwanghyun finally decides to stick his nose into the mess and ask Eunki about it. 

“Is Insoo okay?” 

Eunki shrugs. “He will be,” he says. He sounds very sure of it too. 

“Really?” Gwanghyun can’t help but feel incredulous. Eunki and Insoo are best friends, but Eunki seems so nonchalant. Then again, if Gwanghyun suddenly got this gloomy, would Sewoon really trouble himself over it or would he just be certain that it would pass? 

Eunki nods. “Insoo might come off as pretty whiny, but he’s actually very resilient. Whatever’s bothering him will pass, and he’ll be just fine. I know it’s something serious, because he won’t talk about it, but I think we trust each other enough to wait for the right time to ask about it.” Eunki looks at him. “Are you worried about him?” 

Gwanghyun instinctively scoffs. “No, not really.” He clears his throat, feeling suddenly awkward at how harsh that sounds. “But wouldn’t you find it creepy if someone who always acted one way suddenly started acting another way?” 

Eunki smiles at him kindly. “Well honestly, this kind of thing isn’t really that uncommon.” 

Gwanghyun’s brow crinkles. “What, seriously?” 

Eunki nods again and pats him on the shoulder. “He’ll be just fine. You don’t need to stay worried.” 

Gwanghyun just shrugs. His phone buzzes. 

buffalo [hey there, what’s on your schedule for today?]

hamster [same old same old - class, thesis meeting, home, sleep]

hamster [what about you? you’re the one with the interesting life]

buffalo [that’s just a matter of opinion]

buffalo [i’m meeting the kid i’m teaching guitar to later, and just now he told me he’s only taking lessons to impress a girl]

buffalo [he should have told me when he started! this kid’s tone deaf! if he wants to woo this girl we’ll have to really clean him up!]

Gwanghyun smiles to himself. He can almost imagine a harried and frustrated look on Donghyun’s face. Even though Donghyun’s grumbling about it now, Gwanghyun is pretty sure Donghyun has a plan for this poor kid trying to impress that girl. It almost makes him feel wistful. When Gwanghyun was that age, he had already gotten to a point where he wanted people to pay less attention to him, to notice him less. But there was just something about a boy playing guitar. Was that why he’d been so taken with Sewoon when they met? 

Gwanghyun shakes the thought away and sets down his phone. Eunki is absorbed in his book, jotting down notes in the margins and underlining important things. Gwanghyun is slapping post-it tabs onto the sides of pages and hoping they actually contain important information. He almost snorts. Even if his moods have recently felt a boost from talking to Donghyun every day, he was still floating about untethered as ever. 

Ignoring Insoo and his moods becomes impossible when he comes to the library looking cranky as ever and with his jacket collar flipped up. 

“That looks stupid,” Eunki chides gently and flips the collar down, then freezes. “What’s this?” 

Insoo rolls his shoulder away from Eunki. “Nothing,” he grumbles.

Except it’s clearly not nothing, and Eunki tugs Insoo’s collar down. On the side of his neck is a bruise, except it’s not shaped like a mouth. Even Gwanghyun can see that it’s a handprint. 

“What happened?” Eunki asks softly. “Are you and Kenta hyung still fighting?”

Insoo stands back up and gathers his things. “I’m going to the dance studio,” he says, ignoring the question and everything else that might be bubbling up to the surface. 

“Wait a minute,” Hwanwoong starts.

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Insoo yells and it startles his friends into silence. “Just fucking leave me alone!” 

Insoo storms off and Eunki and Hwanwoong share a look. Gwanghyun feels left out by the silent telepathy passing between them, and even more so when they both rise. Eunki smiles at him apologetically. “Sorry, Gwanghyun, Hwanwoong and I should really check on him.” 

“It’s fine,” Gwanghyun says. His mouth feels sandy. “Go ahead.” 

Eunki and Hwanwoong leave and Gwanghyun stares after them. Even though Gwanghyun might hate Insoo, and still hasn’t forgiven him for calling him out over sleeping with Sangbin, the thought of Insoo getting strangled doesn’t sit well with him. Especially not if it’s apparently Insoo’s boyfriend that’s doing the strangling. Gwanghyun has known Insoo’s been dating the same guy since high school, but he didn’t really know that their relationship was rocky enough for it to be violent. Gwanghyun’s pocket buzzes. 

buffalo [hey there]

buffalo [what are you doing today? I have a day off finally]

buffalo [i don’t even know what to do with myself]

hamster [my day has been weird]

hamster [this guy i know seems to be having problems with his boyfriend] 

hamster [my study group ditched me to go deal with it]

buffalo [can i call you?]

Gwanghyun blinks, but agrees. As he steps out of the library, his phone buzzes again. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Donghyun’s voice sounds sweet, the way Gwanghyun remembers it being. “How’ve you been?”

“Didn’t I just text you how I was doing?” 

Donghyun laughs. “Yeah, I guess you did. So your friend’s having relationship problems?”

“We’re not friends,” Gwanghyun says as he begins trotting to the cafeteria. “We’ve just known each other for a long time.”

“Acquaintances?” 

“Barely,” Gwanghyun snorts. “He’s a jerk, really.”

“But something’s going on?” Donghyun prompts. 

Gwanghyun sticks his phone into the crook of his neck while he fishes for his meal card. “He’s a jerk, but it kind of looked like he was experiencing some kind of dating violence and that’s not something you wish on anybody, not even people you don’t like.” 

“Is he alright?” Concern tinges Donghyun’s voice. It makes Gwanghyun feel bad that he’s making Donghyun have these kinds of worries on his day off. 

“I think his friends are finding that out,” Gwanghyun says while buying himself a sandwich. “I live with one of them, so I’ll probably check in when we’re both at home.”

“Is it fun living with that many roommates?” Donghyun asks suddenly. “I’ve always lived in groups of four, what’s it like with more people?” 

Gwanghyun shrugs, and then realizes Donghyun can’t see him shrugging so he says, “It’s inconvenient sometimes because we share bathrooms and kitchen space. We have two refrigerators, but only one microwave. If we all have to be somewhere in the morning it turns into a zoo.” 

Donghyun laughs. “What about bedrooms?” 

“They’re all double rooms. Gunmin hyung has his own because he’s the oldest. He had a roommate before, but his roommate moved out to go study abroad. I have a roommate.” 

“Oh yeah, Youngmin hyung’s friend. Sewoon, was it?” 

“Yup. He plays guitar too.” 

“Yeah, Youngmin hyung told me. I said we should hang out sometime and play together.”

“We should,” Gwanghyun echoes, mouth full of food. He doesn’t know if he actually wants that. Donghyun belongs to another world, a world that’s not exactly real. Obviously, Donghyun is real, Gwanghyun met him, but right now he occupies a part of Gwanghyun’s life that doesn’t involve any real effort on his part. Donghyun’s messages are always there. Donghyun’s a lot less complicated than the rest of his friends. 

Later, when Gwanghyun gets home, Dongmyeong is at his usual place at the table with Jaewoo and Geonhee, moping over his lack of male suitors, and Hwanwoong is irritably scrubbing a tupperware container clean over the sink. 

“How is Insoo?” Gwanghyun asks as he reaches past Hwanwoong to get a cup. 

Hwanwoong suddenly throws his sponge into the sink. It plops loudly into the soapy water. “For the love of god,” he snarls. “I’m going to kill him. Both of them.” He snatches up the sponge and goes back to scrubbing. “I’ll kill them and then bring them back to life and then kill them again.”

“Um,” Gwanghyun says. 

Hwanwoong scowls at Gwanghyun. “So Eunki and I, we’re scared out of our minds over what the hell is going on and we decided to divide and conquer, because I’m not good at being emotional or vulnerable, especially not with Insoo. But Insoo is in the dance studio stonewalling Eunki, and he holds out until Eunki has to go to work, so I had to go visit Kenta at his work to ask what the hell was going on and, I don’t know, offer to fight for Insoo’s honor? And do you know what Kenta says to me?” 

“No clue.” 

“He told me that he was choking Insoo when they were having sex and that is how that bruise formed,” Hwanwoong throws the sponge again. “I hate them both so much.”

“Oh,” Gwanghyun nods. 

“That honestly sounds like something Insoo would do,” Geonhee says. 

“It does, so I’m really annoyed at myself for getting drawn in and worrying about that idiot,” Hwanwoong grouches. “But if it had just been that, he could have just said it! He’s never shy about sharing way too much information about his sex life, so why now?” 

“What is Insoo’s boyfriend like?” Dongmyeong asks. 

Hwanwoong whips around. “You are absolutely not allowed to date somebody like that.” 

Dongmyeong pouts. “Why not? He’s not that bad, is he? Isn’t it mainly Insoo that gets on your nerves?” 

“You can date anyone you want but please don’t date anyone you fight with all the time, sulk, make up, and then fight again,” Hwanwoong grumbles. “It’s exhausting. I can’t deal with any more.”

“Hyung, do you know any single guys?” Dongmyeong asks hopefully. 

“Nope,” Hwanwoong snorts. 

Dongmyeong deflates. “Why are there no single guys anywhere?” he grumbles. 

“Being single’s not so bad,” Geonhee offers and Jaewoo nods. 

“Easy for you to say! You dated Kim Donghan!” Dongmyeong whines. 

“We broke up.”

“So? You went to second base with Kim Donghan!” Dongmyeong leans forward. “Hey, is he still single? Can you introduce us?” 

Hwanwoong snorts as he turns off the sink. “It’s complicated. You should ask Jaechan how complicated it is.” 

Dongmyeong pouts. “I should ask Jaechannie if he knows anyone. Maybe his boyfriend has single friends.”

“Sangbin hyung only knows us, and guys he’d slept with,” Hwanwoong snorts, then shoots a guilty look at Gwanghyun. Gwanghyun looks away.

“I want a boyfriend,” Dongmyeong says sulkily. “Why can’t I find anyone?” 

“Don’t you have class to worry about? What about your band?” Jaewoo asks. 

“Class is fine. Band is fine. Actually,” Dongmyeong sounds suddenly thoughtful. “Harin is pretty hot. But I shouldn’t ask out one of my band members. It’d make things uncomfortable if it didn’t work out.” 

Gwanghyun rolls his eyes. Yes, chatting with Donghyun is a lot less complicated than anything going on in his home life. 

Despite Hwanwoong and Eunki’s reassurances that Insoo is actually fine, Insoo isn’t any less sulky the next time they meet at the library. Jaechan is there too, and joins in on the fawning over a delicate Insoo. Gwanghyun bites his tongue, thinking about how Jaechan seems like the type that’s usually the one getting fawned over. Gwanghyun still isn’t sure why things like that bother him so much.

“Jaechannie.” 

The hair stands up on the back of Gwanghyun’s neck. 

“Sangbin hyung,” Jaechan’s face brightens as Sangbin approaches. 

Maybe, if Gwanghyun sits very still, Sangbin won’t notice him.

“Go away,” Insoo grunts irritably. 

“What’s your problem?” Sangbin snorts. He reaches out and pets his hand over Jaechan’s head. Jaechan leans into the touch and just barely nuzzles against Sangbin’s hand. Gwanghyun starts to feel faintly nauseous. 

“No, I agree, I also want you to go away,” Hwanwoong says. “Every time you come over here, you look like you’re about to whip it out and I don’t want to see that.” 

Eunki swats at Hwanwoong. “Don’t say things like that,” he hisses. 

Insoo appears to be perking up. “But it’s true, Eunki. That terrible hyung is doing nasty things to our baby. I’m sure as soon as they leave here that hyung’s going to be balls deep in our son.” 

Jaechan’s face turns bright red. “Insoo hyung! Stop!” 

“Oh yeah,” Sangbin says sarcastically, “we fuck like rabbits, don’t we, pretty boy? We’ve fucked on every flat surface we come across, and some not so flat. We fucked on my motorcycle too. I’ve got an erection twenty four hours a day.” 

Jaechan has slid halfway under the table trying to hide. 

Sangbin smirks and leans against the table. “Well that last bit is mostly true.” 

Jaechan’s hand lashes out and swats at Sangbin, but Sangbin just catches it in his. “Stop that,” Jaechan hisses as he emerges from under the table, face as red as a tomato. 

Sangbin kisses the back of Jaechan’s hand.

“This is what I mean,” Hwanwoong huffs. “If you’re just here to pick up Jaechan, please just go away.” 

“If you hadn’t started bitching at me the second I showed up, I would’ve remembered what I came over to do.” Sangbin cups Jaechan’s face in hands. “Hi, kitten. How was your class?” 

Jaechan arches up into Sangbin’s hands, face crimson. The air is suddenly so thick with sexual tension Gwanghyun could choke on it. 

“It was good,” Jaechan answers, staring deeply into Sangbin’s eyes. 

Sangbin hums softly and gives Jaechan’s face an affectionate squeeze. Gwanghyun wants to gag. 

“Go away,” Hwanwoong implores. “I can’t stand watching this anymore.”

Sangbin lets go of Jaechan’s face and his eyes finally sweep over the table. His eyes land on Gwanghyun and Gwanghyun freezes. Recognition flickers in Sangbin’s eyes and his lips twitch up into a smirk. Chills go down Gwanghyun’s spine. Sangbin remembers him. 

“I’ll see you later, kitten,” Sangbin leans down to kiss Jaechan. “I’ll call you.”

“Bye, hyung,” Jaechan is flushed and breathless, after only a peck on the lips. 

Gwanghyun wants to throw up.

Gwanghyun is at home, pretending to do work, when his phone buzzes with an incoming call from Donghyun. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, how are you?” Donghyun asks. He pauses and then gasps. “Oh! Sorry! Are you doing something now? I keep forgetting that other people have schedules and aren’t just free wheeling like me. Sorry.” 

“No, you’re good. I’m not doing anything.” Gwanghyun shuts his book. “I’m fine. How are you? What were you doing today?” 

“Oh, really? That’s a relief.” Donghyun laughs. “I wasn’t doing anything today so I thought I would call you.” 

Gwanghyun’s hands feel sweaty. “Hey, if you are free, do you want to meet up? Hang out for a while?” 

There’s a short pause and panic spikes in Gwanghyun’s gut. He’s gone and ruined it now. Why on earth did he think he should ask Donghyun to come out and meet him somewhere? What good did that ever do? 

“Sure, that sounds great,” Donghyun says. “Where do you want to meet? Anywhere in particular?” 

Now Gwanghyun is tongue tied. “Uh, uh, do you want to go to a cafe? Or uh, are you sick of cafes? From playing guitar in them?” 

Donghyun laughs. “Cafes are fine. I haven’t played at too many of them.” 

Half an hour later, Gwanghyun is sitting with Donghyun in a cafe close to Donghyun’s university and questioning why he thought this was a good idea. Donghyun is smiling at him brightly, his eye smile as endearing as the night the met, but Gwanghyun doesn’t know how to act, or what to say. This was easier on the phone.

“How is your friend?” Donghyun asks. “The one with the boyfriend problems?” 

“We’re not really friends,” Gwanghyun says. “But he’s fine. It wasn’t dating violence.” 

“Really?”

Gwanghyun rolls his eyes. “According to my roommate, it was something kinky.” 

Donghyun presses his lips together, but slowly starts snorting and then he’s holding his sides laughing. “Sorry,” he smiles blindingly when he comes up for air. “I shouldn’t laugh, but really? He had you all worried over a misunderstanding like that? Did he say sorry?” 

“He might have, to them. Not me though.” 

Donghyun wipes at his eyes. “Ah, right, you’re not friends.”

“Not really.” Gwanghyun leans his chin on his hand. “He’s just one of those people who knows which buttons to push to make you mad. He makes me uneasy. Like I always need my guard up.” 

“Well, that makes sense,” Donghyun says. “I can understand being wary of someone like that. But you still have to spend a lot of time with him, don’t you?” 

“Yeah. But if we didn’t study together I wouldn’t really talk to any of them.” Gwanghyun drums his fingers on the table. “What about you and your roommates? Any of them drive you crazy? Have weird boyfriend or girlfriend problems?” 

“Hmm, well Woojinie has a boyfriend, Hyungseobie. They’re a cute couple, but right before Christmas they started making out in our dorm and it caused a pretty big commotion.” Donghyun laughs. “Daehwi walked in on them laying on top of one another and French kissing. We had to have a big family meeting and discuss rules about bringing over boyfriends and making out in people’s beds. I was supposed to be taking it seriously but I could barely hold in my laughter.” 

“You have the privacy in your dorm to bring people over like that?” 

Donghyun grins. “Well, Woojin and Daehwi share a room, so that’s why it was awkward for poor Daehwi. Youngmin and I have our own rooms. Oh, actually Youngmin and Chungha started going out again so Woojin’s having a field day lecturing him about dorm rules. I bet Youngmin hyung’s regretting that family meeting now.” 

“Was that the girl from the party? The ex-girlfriend? They weren’t already back together? They had their arms linked and everything.” Gwanghyun’s brow crinkles. 

“They were high school sweethearts,” Donghyun says. “They went to the same school and the same dance academy and I guess their worlds kind of revolved around each other for that time. But she went to university in the States so they mutually decided to break things off romantically but stay friends. Youngmin always says that they knew trying to keep things going would be too hard and they’d probably start hating each other for holding the other back. But I think he always kept a candle burning for her and well, it paid off, she’s back in Korea and they’ve definitely rekindled their old flame. I totally understand, even as a guy who doesn’t date girls. She’s gorgeous.”

“So he never dated another girl?” Gwanghyun asks. 

“Well, no, he had another girlfriend in the time I’ve known him.” Donghyun’s face is suddenly severe. “She was… ugh, how do I explain her? I don’t want to put it like this, but god, she was such a bitch. I hated her.” 

Gwanghyun blinks at Donghyun’s scowl. He’s never seen him look like this, so genuinely angry. “Was she that bad?” he asks softly. 

Donghyun nods. “Youngmin and I were living with different roommates then, and she’d come around a lot because our house rules were more lax, and when we first met her she was nice.”

“But she wasn’t? Nice?” 

Donghyun scowls harder. “She was really mean. To him. To Youngmin hyung. I just have this one specific memory of talking to Woong - our roommate at the time - one day about her and we both agreed it was really uncomfortable being around the two of them because sometimes she’d just lash out at him and he’d just roll over and take it and that was so… it was so awkward. She’d pick fights with him over everything and Youngmin hyung isn’t confrontational, so he couldn’t defend himself that well. And she was really comfortable talking badly about him publicly, on all of her social media she would write rude things about him. And just… nasty things. Stuff you shouldn’t just air out in public.” Donghyun drops his chin onto his knees. “I mean, is it really necessary to write on your SNS that your boyfriend isn’t that impressive in bed?” he grumbles. 

Gwanghyun is startled. “She really wrote things like that?”

“Frequently.” Donghyun sighs. “I don’t know why he dated her for as long as he did. But I also don’t know why I stopped myself from telling him to dump her.” 

“You didn’t say anything? Did anyone?” 

“Woong did, eventually. And I think Youngmin dumped her right after Woong pointed out how poisonous she was for him.” Donghyun sighs. “Well, I do know why I didn’t say anything. I still had a crush on him then, and I didn’t know if I was being genuine or if I was secretly making up ways for him to start liking me romantically. No, no, that’s not it either. I didn’t want him to hate me if he didn’t like what I said to him. That’s why.”

Gwanghyun places a hand on Donghyun’s shoulder. 

“I feel bad whenever I think about it. It was so selfish of me.” 

“It wasn’t. Or, maybe it was, but I understand you.” Gwanghyun squeezes Donghyun’s shoulder. “It’s human.”

Donghyun looks up at him, his eyes soft but somehow they still pierce Gwanghyun to the core. “Well, at least I don’t have to worry with Chungha,” he says brightly. “I think she knows how lucky she is to have a guy like Youngmin hyung, and she’s really nice too.” 

“Youngmin must be lucky to have friends like you who worry about him like that,” Gwanghyun comments. 

“Oh, well, Woojin and I both had crushes on him at different points in our lives so we’re pretty invested in his well-being. I never asked Daehwi, but I bet Daehwi had a crush on him too. Youngmin hyung is a really lovable person.” Donghyun winks at him. “If you met him, you might fall for him too.”

“Hmm,” Gwanghyun says noncommittally and Donghyun laughs. 

“I’m so sorry. You called me to hang out after not seeing me in weeks and all I’ve done is bare my soul and air a lot of Youngmin hyung’s dirty laundry.” Donghyun sits up straighter. “Well, I’m all done now. Let’s talk about you. What’s going on with you lately?” 

Gwanghyun shrugs. “Nothing as exciting as that. I’m not a very interesting person.” 

“Oh, come on, that’s not true.”

“Well,” Gwanghyun stirs his straw in his drink. “One of my roommates, Dongmyeong, spends every day complaining about how he doesn’t have a boyfriend. He’s insanely jealous of all the couples around our campus and he really wants to date but doesn’t have the time to go out and meet anyone.”

“Has he tried speed dating?” Donghyun asks wryly.

“People still do those kinds of things?” 

“Hey, don’t knock it until you try it.” 

Gwanghyun grins. “Have you been speed dating?” 

“I may have once been coerced into speed dating by a friend of mine who was really trying to meet The One. Those poor girls all had their hearts broken because sadly for them, I am gay.” 

“It was nice of you to play along,” Gwanghyun snorts. “I’d never agree to that.”

“Yeah? Not even if your friend Dongmyeong asked?” 

“Especially not if he asked. I’m not looking for anything like that,” Gwanghyun looks away, suddenly not sure if he wants to say this. “I can’t really keep myself together, you know? It wouldn’t be fair to burden another person with my problems, right?” 

“I guess,” Gwanghyun glances up and meets Donghyun’s smoldering gaze, “that just depends on what one person defines as a burden.” 

When Gwanghyun was in high school, he had started failing algebra so in return for one of his classmates giving him the answers on their assignments, Gwanghyun ended up on his knees, giving him a blowjob. Later on, that same classmate returned the favor with a handjob for some literature notes. 

Amazing how fast word spreads, in an all boys school. 

Even in his first year, Gwanghyun developed a reputation for being easy, for being the kind of guy who would trade sexual favors, and for being available to anyone who asked. At first, it wasn’t like those things were lies. Part of Gwanghyun even reveled in that attention. He had never really considered himself attractive, and yet guys wanted him. 

But the novelty of it soon wore off, and Gwanghyun grew resentful of the things people wrote about him on the inside of the bathroom stalls, calling him out for being easy, for spreading his legs for anybody who asked. He didn’t want to, but guys kept on propositioning him, offering things that eventually Gwanghyun didn’t want to turn down.

Then he met Sewoon. And Sewoon didn’t want anything from him. Gwanghyun had gotten so used to guys only approaching him if they wanted something, he hadn’t even known how to react to Sewoon’s lackadaisical way. 

“What do you want from me?” Gwanghyun had finally asked, too frustrated with not knowing. 

Sewoon had peered up at him, paused his guitar strumming. “What do I want? Hmm. I want to be your friend.. Do you want to be friends with me, Gwanghyun?” 

He did. Gwanghyun wanted Sewoon not wanting anything from him. He wanted Sewoon’s soft eyes and guitar playing. He wanted Sewoon’s nonjudgmental companionship. He wanted that. For once, it was Gwanghyun wanting something from someone else, and Sewoon was willing to give it. 

Gwanghyun doesn’t know which had been worse, Jaehwan not saying anything with his mouth but speaking volumes with his looks, or Sewoon sidestepping everything by asking about other things. Gwanghyun was grateful that Sewoon never made him feel bad, but he always wondered would it have been better or worse had Sewoon just come out and said something to him about his rotating cast of sexual partners. Sewoon never said anything when he was sleeping around, and said nothing when Gwanghyun changed and stopped seeing anyone at all. 

Maybe it was because Sewoon let Gwanghyun float, maybe that was why Gwanghyun decided that at some point he was probably in love with Sewoon. But Gwanghyun never made a move in that direction, Sewoon’s friendship too precious to lose. 

Anyway, it was like he told Donghyun, it wouldn’t be fair for Gwanghyun to burden Sewoon with his problems, not when Sewoon, who despite looking like he only had his head in the clouds, had his immediate future figured out. Gwanghyun didn’t know anything about himself and was just living like a reed. He couldn’t ask Sewoon to care about him that way when Gwanghyun couldn’t take care of himself. 

Insoo’s mood makes a sudden, drastic improvement and Gwanghyun really does find it creepy that Insoo’s moods can swing from one extreme to the other like that. 

Geonhee joins their study group periodically, as does Jaechan, and more often than not Sangbin drops by to flirt with his boyfriend. And by flirt, Gwanghyun means that Sangbin’s presence raises the temperature of the room and thickens the air and he makes everybody pointedly uncomfortable because Jaechan is so completely absorbed by his presence. Gwanghyun always wants to echo Hwanwoong’s sentiments that Sangbin is the worst, and that there’s no reason for Jaechan to blush while reporting that he had a good day. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to draw attention to himself. 

“It could be worse,” Insoo muses after one such incident. “At least Jaechannie isn’t telling us about how great Sangbin hyung is in bed.” 

Jaechan’s face flares up. 

“Well according to you, that’s common knowledge anyway,” Hwanwoong says sourly. 

“Yes, but Sangbin hyung is nicer to Jaechan than he was to the rest of us.” Insoo says. “Well, Jaechannie says they’re not having sex anyway. He’s got a really big…”

“Insoo! We know!” Hwanwoong covers his ears. 

“How do you know? Yeo Hwanwoong, don’t tell me…!” 

“Shut up!” 

Eunki sighs. “Please stop.” 

Gwanghyun watches as Jaechan’s face keeps getting redder and redder. 

“He told you already,” Eunki continues. “They didn’t have sex.” 

“I did!” Jaechan blurts out. His face gets impossibly redder. “I did have sex with Sangbin hyung so you can stop asking me about it!” Jaechan grabs his stuff and stomps away. 

Insoo and Eunki look aghast. 

“Eunki! Our baby is sleeping with that hyung!” Insoo grabs Eunki’s shoulder and shakes it. “I’m going to kill him, I really am.” 

Eunki rubs his face. “You know that we wouldn’t know that if you didn’t ask Jaechan about it all the time, right?” 

“I’m allowed to ask questions!” Insoo says hotly. 

They lapse into silence, Insoo busy sulking again, and Gwanghyun flips through the pages of a reference book, pretending to understand what he’s reading. Gwanghyun thinks he can finally understand at least one passage, when Insoo yowls suddenly, prompting waves of shushing from nearby tables. 

“Hyung!” Insoo clutches his head and glares up at Sangbin reproachfully. “What the fuck! Don’t pull my hair!” 

“I remember when you liked me pulling your hair,” Sangbin is smirking. He smells like cigarette smoke. “What? Not into that anymore?” 

“I’m not into it if it’s you pulling my hair,” Insoo says sourly. “Why are you here? Jaechan left already.” 

“That’s why I’m here. You made my baby upset.” 

“I can’t believe you fucked him,” Insoo snarls. “That’s my baby.” 

“He’s my baby,” Sangbin says. “We’ve been dating for half a year. It was his idea.”

“I don’t believe you,” Insoo sniffs. 

Sangbin just shrugs.

“Well,” Hwanwoong says briskly. “If you two are sleeping with each other, can you please stop flirting whenever you come and check on him? It looks like you’re going to jump each other’s bones any minute. Can’t you save that for when you’re home?” 

“No,” Sangbin says and Hwanwoong rolls his eyes. His eyes sweep over the table again, lingering on Gwanghyun long enough to make goosebumps rise on his arms. Sangbin hasn’t said anything but he still makes Gwanghyun want to crawl under the floor. 

Gwanghyun begins with “Can I vent about something?” and Donghyun lets him sit there bitching about Jaechan and Sangbin for an embarrassingly long amount of time. 

Gwanghyun glares at his still full iced Americano while Donghyun drinks the last dregs of his coffee from around the ice cubes. “It’s like, you knew he was never going to be yours, but you felt better because he was never going to be anyone else’s either. And now that he is somebody else’s, it just stings a little.” 

Donghyun nods. “Okay, okay, that I understand.” 

“And also,” Gwanghyun runs a hand through his hair, irritated. “Jaechan is so fake. I told you. He’s just playing shy. I can tell that he isn’t. It’s weird. I don’t want Sangbin. But I just feel like Jaechan is the one who’s being sly and doing the playing but no one realizes it because they’re babying him.” 

“Are you jealous?” Donghyun asks curiously. “Of Jaechan? When you hooked up with Sangbin, did you want more than just the hookup?” 

“I really just wanted to hook up again,” Gwanghyun grumbles, finally taking a sip of his iced Americano, which now has a layer of melted ice water floating on top. “I didn’t think he was the type to settle down and date somebody for a week, much less six months. I’m not jealous of Jaechan.” He scowls. “It’s not reality. It’s more like a principle thing.” 

Donghyun shrugs. “Well. Do they seem happy?” 

“Who?”

“Sangbin and Jaechan. Do they seem happy?” 

“Yes? I think so?”

“So,” Donghyun tilts his head. “Isn’t that good? For guys who seem like they’ll never stop sowing their wild oats, it’s a big deal when they do. So isn’t it good that Sangbin’s happy with the guy he settled down with?” 

“I guess.” Gwanghyun deflates. “Sorry. I just wasted so much of your time venting about something so stupid.” He covers his face. “Seriously, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, I did the same thing the other time. It’s no problem. Do you feel better after venting?” 

“Mostly. Thanks, Donghyun.” Gwanghyun smiles at him faintly. 

[Deck the Halls With Flying Balls]

sure jiann: hey, i’m going to hang out with some of my friends and dongmyeong tonight

sure jiann: anyone can come along if they want 

lee some hoe: have fun!! <3 stay safe!! 

geonhee neomu yeppeo: lol “some of my friends and dongmyeong” dongmyeong doesn’t count as a friend

dong we now our gay apparel: rude 

oh little ponyo: dongmyeongie i’m your friend!! 

Gwanghyun doesn’t want to look, but somehow his eyes feel magnetized to Jaechan.

Jaechan is with them today, and unlike Eunki, Hwanwoong, and even Insoo, who are stuck with their noses in their books, Jaechan is leaning back in his chair and texting. Gwanghyun is twirling his pen in his fingers, trying to not stare. 

It’s not like Gwanghyun didn’t think Jaechan was good looking before, no it was one of the first things he noticed, but he seems different now. In the back of his mind, Gwanghyun can hear Insoo’s leering voice, “it’s that post sex glow,” but Gwanghyun doesn’t want to think that. He thinks Jaechan is good looking, but he doesn’t really understand the appeal.

Jaechan glances up, probably feeling Gwanghyun’s eyes boring into him, and they briefly make eye contact. Gwanghyun looks away quickly, but it’s very obvious he had been staring. The back of his neck feels hot. 

“Who are you texting?” Hwanwoong grumbles. 

Jaechan’s face starts turning pink. “Sangbin hyung asked me where I was.”

Hwanwoong slams his book shut, making everyone jump. “I’m leaving,” he announces. “I can’t watch this today. Sangbin hyung looks like he’s about to mount you every time he comes over here and I just can’t deal with it.” 

Jaechan’s face is bright red now. “That is not true,” he squeaks.

“It is,” Hwanwoong says with an air of finality. “See you at home,” he says to Gwanghyun. 

Jaechan mutters something about needing to print off some sheet music and disappears. Gwanghyun turns back to his book and taps his pen against the table. 

“I need to go print something too,” Eunki says, rising. “I’ll be right back.” 

“Wanna bet that Sangbin and Jaechan are screwing on top of one of the photocopiers?” Insoo asks. 

“Don’t be disgusting,” Eunki sighs and walks away.

“Do you want to bet?” Insoo asks Gwanghyun, who just glares back. 

Gwanghyun fidgets in his seat, tapping his pen and his foot irritably. Actually, he needs to go copy something too, but he really doesn’t want to run into Sangbin and Jaechan. Then again, he really doesn’t want to be here anymore. It’s the one day their dorm is pretty much empty all day. He could go home and take a nap. 

“I need to copy something,” Gwanghyun announces. “And then I’m going home.” 

Insoo is barely paying attention as he waves and Gwanghyun collects his things and heads over to the printers and photocopiers, and then stops dead in his tracks.

Sangbin has Jaechan backed up against one of the printers, one of Jaechan’s legs wrapped around Sangbin’s waist, his head titled back, mouth slightly open, eyes shut, as Sangbin kisses his throat. Gwanghyun feels lightheaded. 

Jaechan’s eyes open slowly and meet Gwanghyun’s, and he gasps, pushing Sangbin off of him and Gwanghyun does an about face and books it out of the library. He doesn’t need to use the photocopier. He needs to go home and bury his face in his pillow for the rest of the night. 

Gwanghyun comes home and someone is in their living room. As if more things like this had to happen today.

The guy shoots up from the couch, looking a little guilty, and smiles at Gwanghyun sheepishly. Dongmyeong rushes into the room, looking flustered. 

“Hyung! You’re home!” 

“Hi,” Gwanghyun glances between Dongmyeong and the guy he’s never seen before. 

“This is Jun,” Dongmyeong grabs the guy by the arm. His face is pink. “This is my boyfriend.” 

Oh. Gwanghyun bows a little. “Hello. I’m Gwanghyun, one of Dongmyeong’s housemates.” 

“I’m Lee Junyoung. You can just call me Jun.” Jun smiles at him. It’s a warm smile. 

“We were just going to watch a movie,” Dongmyeong says. 

Gwanghyun shrugs. “Go ahead. I was just going to do some classwork.” It’s a lie, because Gwanghyun plans to stare at the wall, but maybe he’ll find some motivation to pretend to be studying in case Dongmyeong asks about it.

Gwanghyun hears strains of the movie in his room, but he tries to not pay attention. When he passes by to go get water, he sees Dongmyeong sitting in his boyfriend’s lap, looking comically tiny and being swallowed up by Jun’s broad frame. When did that happen? Did they meet when Jaewoo went to go hang out with his friends? Gwanghyun snorts. Dongmyeong sure works fast. 

After the movie ends Dongmyeong sees Jun out, Jun pausing to say goodbye to Gwanghyun and thank him for letting him come over. Gwanghyun just shrugs again, as if he has any authority over who comes and goes in this house. 

“So when did you meet him?” Gwanghyun asks. 

“When I was with Jaewoo hyung and his friends. He’s a friend of a friend of Jaewoo’s.” Dongmyeong grabs Gwanghyun’s hand. “Hey, um, can you not tell the others about this yet? Especially not Jaewoo.” 

“Okay? Is there a reason for that?” 

Dongmyeong stares at his feet. “Oh, well, Jaewoo invited me along but told me that I wasn’t allowed to be hunting for a boyfriend, because it might make things awkward with his friends, but Jun and I just hit it off and so we agreed we’d start going out. So, please let me tell Jaewoo on my own first, because he might be annoyed with me.”

“Well, it’s not really my business who you date,” Gwanghyun shrugs. “Do whatever you want.” 

Dongmyeong gives him a flying hug that Gwanghyun is ill-prepared for. 

“Oof!” 

“Gwanghyun hyung! You’re the best!” 

“Yeah,” Gwanghyun wheezes. “Sure.” 

Gwanghyun is doing it again. Staring. Staring at Jaechan. Who by now knows that Gwanghyun is staring at him. 

Gwanghyun picks up his phone, needing to focus on something else, so he texts Donghyun. 

hamster [hey, how are you?] 

buffalo [hey! sorry i haven’t been texting much, i got a job and suddenly my life is even more hectic than usual] 

buffalo [how have you been?] 

hamster [i guess things are fine]

hamster [dongmyeong has a boyfriend now, he didn’t even have to speed date] 

hamster [what kind of job did you get?] 

buffalo [yay dongmyeong!]

buffalo [i work at a record store and the best part is, if i’m the one closing up, i get to use the recording booth in the back of the store]

buffalo [you could visit me sometime, i’ll let you use my employee discount] 

hamster [i may take you up on that]

“Hyung!” 

Gwanghyun looks up, and Sangbin is standing next to their booth. Jaechan is looking up at him with wide eyes. 

“What are you doing here?” Jaechan asks. “I told you that I need to study.” 

“Mm, I just wanted to see you,” Sangbin replies, running his fingers through Jaechan’s hair. “I can wait here with you.”

They’re in a booth today and Geonhee has joined them so there’s not actually room for Sangbin to squeeze in. But instead, Sangbin urges Jaechan to stand up so he can take Jaechan’s seat and then he pulls Jaechan to sit on his lap. 

“Please don’t do that here,” Hwanwoong begs. 

“I won’t do anything,” Sangbin promises as he shifts so Jaechan is wedged between Sangbin’s spread thighs. “I’m going to sleep.” He settles back in the booth and crosses his arms behind his head and shuts his eyes. Everyone goes back to their own work, except for Gwanghyun, whose eyes keep wandering back to Jaechan. 

Gwanghyun pinches himself. He needs to stop. 

Gwanghyun tries to focus on his book, but his eyes keep lifting up to watch Jaechan, who is dutifully taking notes out of a music textbook. Sangbin doesn’t actually appear to be sleeping, but his eyes are closed. Gwanghyun tears his eyes away, he definitely doesn’t want to be caught staring now, and tries to refocus. But it’s impossible to, especially when Sangbin leans forward and drapes himself over Jaechan’s back, hooking his chin over Jaechan’s shoulder, and leaning their faces together. Sangbin’s eyes follow along with Jaechan’s as they skim the pages, his arms wrap around Jaechan’s loosely. Hwanwoong’s eyes flicker over to them to check that both of Sangbin’s hands are above the table. 

Gwanghyun can’t look away. His eyes are too drawn to the places where Jaechan and Sangbin’s bodies meet. They look good together. Oddly enough, they seem to match. He’s staring again but he can’t stop. 

This time, the eyes that meet his are Sangbin’s and Gwanghyun can feel the blood draining out of his face. Shit. He’s been caught. Sangbin’s lips curl up into a smirk, and he leans in closer to Jaechan, eyes gliding back over Jaechan’s book. He glances back at Gwanghyun, checks to see that Gwanghyun is still watching, and then kisses Jaechan’s cheek.

Damn it damn it damn it. 

Gwanghyun is finally using the photocopier in the music library when Sangbin saunters over and leans against it, looking him up and down slowly and deliberately. Gwanghyun’s skin crawls. 

“Tell me something,” he says, “you like my boyfriend?”

Gwanghyun bristles. “Define like.” 

“You watched me kiss him, and whenever I touch him I can see you watching. You like him?” 

“You’re leading me somewhere. What are you trying to get me to say?” 

Sangbin snorts. He’s wearing that infuriating smirk again. “See, at first, I thought you were jealous of him. Is it the other way around? You like my boyfriend? You think he’s pretty?” 

Gwanghyun narrows his eyes. “You’re off the mark.” 

“Yeah? So what is it? I’m not going to share, so if you’re just bluffing now, you should give it up.” 

Gwanghyun sighs. He’s not afraid of Sangbin. “I really don’t care. He can have you, and you him. I just think your boyfriend should change his major to acting while he still can. He’s very good at pretending to be shy. I guess you must like getting led around by your dick. I can tell your boyfriend’s faking how innocent and demure he is; I wonder what else he fakes.” 

Sangbin leans in towards him and Gwanghyun instinctively shrinks back. Sangbin’s not very tall or very broad and he generally doesn’t intimidate Gwanghyun, but his demeanor has suddenly shifted into something simmering and dark and so Gwanghyun really wants to put more space between them. 

“I don’t believe you when you say you don’t want him,” Sangbin says quietly. “If you didn’t care you wouldn’t watch him so closely, would you?” 

Gwanghyun continues edging backwards. Honestly, his feelings on the matter are idiotic. Sangbin is an asshole. Gwanghyun doesn’t really want him. It had just felt gratifying to know that someone like Sangbin was never going to settle down and find somebody. Except he found Jaechan, who really rubbed Gwanghyun wrong for no reason at all. Gwanghyun didn’t want him either. Jaechan was all artificial sweetener and pretend shyness and Gwanghyun felt a little nauseated by how he had everyone wrapped around his little finger. 

“I’m just saying,” Gwanghyun says evenly. “You probably liked him so much because there’s a thrill knowing he’s a blank canvas for you. But really, I bet he wasn’t. Guys like that are always a little easy…” 

Sangbin seizes Gwanghyun by the shirt collar and yanks him forward so hard they almost bang heads. Gwanghyun’s insides freeze as Sangbin glares at him. 

“Watch your fucking mouth,” he seethes, shoving Gwanghyun backwards. Sangbin leaves Gwanghyun there, rumpled and shocked. Gwanghyun fixes his shirt nervously. 

Well, clearly that touched a nerve. 

buffalo [so are you going to pay me a visit at work some time?]

buffalo [i got permission, you can come after closing]

buffalo [i’ll play some records for you]

hamster [sounds good]

hamster [i’ll bring coffee] 

“Gwanghyunie,” Eunki jogs up beside Gwanghyun and loops their arms together.

Gwanghyun glances down and then back up at Eunki’s beaming expression. He’s used to Eunki being a bit handsy, but since he and Gwanghyun aren’t all that close, Gwanghyun isn’t usually treated to Eunki’s displays of physical affection. 

“Hi,” Gwanghyun says, a nervous feeling growing in the pit of his stomach. 

“Can I talk to you for a little bit?” 

Gwanghyun’s heart sinks. “Yeah, sure.” 

Gwanghyun and Eunki sit down together on one of the outdoor benches. The air is finally starting to get warmer as spring approaches - as does the thesis deadline - and Gwanghyun zips his coat up a little more. 

“Did you and Sangbin hyung fight about something?” Eunki asks, getting right to the point. 

“What did Sangbin say we fought about?” Gwanghyun counters. 

“Sangbin hyung said you said something rude about Jaechan.” Eunki says. “I’m not sure it was as straightforward as that, but Sangbin was pretty angry about whatever you said. He told us something about Jaechan too.”

“What did he say?” Gwanghyun shifts uncomfortably.

Eunki look at him carefully. “Sangbin told us, well Jaechan let him tell us, that before, Jaechan experienced some sexual harassment and it apparently got pretty bad. He got stalked and groped too.” Gwanghyun must look stricken, because Eunki places his hand over his. “I know there’s no way you could have known something like that. Honestly, we didn’t know either. The only other people who did are Taedong and Donghan.” Eunki smiles at him a bit wryly. “Really, you should be happy it’s me and not Taedong who’s having this talk with you. Jaechan is like a little brother to him, and Taedong is incredibly protective.” 

Gwanghyun’s mouth feels like a desert. 

Eunki gives his hand a squeeze. “You should apologize to Jaechan,” he suggests. “I know that you probably didn’t mean any real harm with what you said, but it would help to make things better with him and Sangbin hyung. Alright?” 

Gwanghyun nods vacantly.

“But it’s not really my fault, right?” Gwanghyun takes a sip of his iced Americano while watching Donghyun tune his guitar. “I had the right to lash out because Sangbin was breathing down my neck, right?”

“Mm,” Donghyun nods, “it’s an understandable reaction. I don’t know if you can easily categorize it as right or wrong though.” 

“It’s not like I said it on purpose to hurt anybody,” Gwanghyun huffs. “But since Jaechan’s got everyone wrapped around his little finger of course I’m the bad one.”

Donghyun grins up at him. “You’re really cute when you’re whiny.” 

“Oh shut up,” Gwanghyun flushes. “I’m not whining.” 

“It’s just an apology. You could text it to him, since he knows you interact awkwardly in person.” Donghyun strums his guitar, frowns, and goes back to tuning. “It’s not like you were asked to get on your knees and grovel or anything. You misspoke. People do it.” 

“I know, I know.” Gwanghyun sighs. “I swear, I never intended to keep these people in my social circles after high school. This all happened by mistake.” 

“What was high school like?” 

Gwanghyun freezes. 

Donghyun glances up at him. “Hey, you don’t need to tell me. If it’s that unpleasant.” 

Gwanghyun takes another sip of his drink and chews on the straw. “I experienced things like that too,” he says quietly. “I know how much it sucks.” He can feel Donghyun looking at him. “I’m not the same person anymore. Back then I was really different, and then one day I didn’t want to be him anymore, so I stopped.”

“I’m sorry,” Donghyun says. 

“It’s not your fault,” Gwanghyun says reflexively. “It’s better now.” 

Donghyun hums softly in assent and strums his guitar. It sounds in tune now. “How did you get into music? You mentioned you were doing a research project and not a performance.” 

“Honestly, I did my degree in music so I could stay close to Sewoon. I didn’t know what I wanted in life at that age. All I knew was that I felt like myself with him, a good version of myself, so even if we weren’t going to go to the same university, or really be in the same program, if I did something that he liked, I could stay close to him.” Gwanghyun rubs the back of his neck. “I know it’s stupid to pick the topic for your higher education based on the person you like.” 

“But do you like music? Or is it still just about Sewoon?” Donghyun asks. He starts playing a simple melody. 

“I like music. I think I liked studying it more than I would’ve liked studying something else.”

“Well, that’s good.” Donghyun grins. The melody morphs into something more complex. 

“What song is this?” Gwanghyun asks. “It’s nice.” 

Donghyun smiles brightly, eyes smiling too. “It’s one of mine.”

“Seriously?” Gwanghyun perks right up. “That sounds really good. Will you play me the rest of it? Did you write lyrics yet?” 

“Can’t play it for you yet,” Donghyun says. “It’s not finished. Neither are the lyrics.”

“Did you record a demo? In the booth?” 

“Yup.” 

“Can I listen to that?” 

“Nope.” Donghyun grins. “The first time you hear it, I want it to be the finished version.”

Gwanghyun snorts. “Oh? You’re this kind of musician, huh? Can’t play it for anyone until it’s perfect?”

“That’s right.” Donghyun sets down his guitar and picks up his coffee. With his free hand he gestures around the store. “Records though, I can play anything you want.” 

When Gwanghyun gets home, Dongmyeong is in the doorway, untying his shoelaces. “Hey,” he says, toeing off his own sneakers.

“Who were you hanging out with this late?” Dongmyeong peers at Gwanghyun. “Are you dating in secret too?”

Gwanghyun snorts. “As if. That sounds like too much work for me.”

Dongmyeong just shrugs as he finally pulls his shoe off. “Hmph, says you. Well, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” Dongmyeong pushes his shoes into a corner and begins walking towards his room.

“Wait, Dongmyeong,” Gwanghyun calls. “Can you give me Yoon Jaechan’s phone number?” 

Dongmyeong stops and squints at him. “Jaechannie has a boyfriend,” he quips.

Gwanghyun flushes. “That’s not it.” That’s nothing close to resembling the right end of the stick. 

“Then what is it?” Dongmyeong asks. 

“It’s not that important,” Gwanghyun grumbles. “Could you just give it to me?” 

“Don’t you see him a lot? Geonhee mentioned…” 

“You still haven’t told the others about Jun, have you?” 

Dongmyeong’s eyes fly open. “Geez, hyung! You drive a hard bargain!” He rushes back to the door, reaching into his pocket and fumbling for his phone. “I was going to give it to you! You didn’t have to go there!” 

Gwanghyun doesn’t apologize and goes back to his room. Sewoon isn’t there, instead there is a note saying he had gone to visit home again and would be back the next day, probably in the evening. Gwanghyun frowns to himself. He hasn’t really talked much to Sewoon lately, and doesn’t know if something is going on at home prompting him to visit more frequently than in previous semesters. He should ask next time. Gwanghyun climbs into bed and pulls out his phone. Donghyun said to just text. It shouldn’t be hard.

Gwanghyun spends more time than he wants to agonizing over it. It’s not really his fault. Yes, he was being vindictive and nasty, but he hadn’t known he was getting too close to some unhappy truths. Apologizing like this doesn’t even seem sincere. He doesn’t think he’s really sorry. How was he supposed to know? Anyway, the threat of Taedong finding out and beating the shit out of him was really propeling him to apologize more than any real feelings of regret. 

But Gwanghyun’s fingers hover over his phone keypad. Dongmyeong gave him the number. All he had to do was say he was sorry. It wasn’t a hard thing to do. 

Lee.GH. [hi, this is gwanghyun. i just wanted to apologize for what i said] 

Gwanghyun sighs and deletes the message irritably. It was one thing to not actually mean what he was saying, but he should at least seem a little bit apologetic in words. 

Lee.GH [hi, it’s gwanghyun, i just wanted to apologize about the things i said. it was rude of me and i shouldn’t have]

Gwanghyun huffs and deletes it again. Why is this so hard? If it really doesn’t matter, he should just be able to say he’s sorry and be done with it. He sighs and taps his phone against his thigh. Gwanghyun doesn’t feel guilty, per say, but the more he thinks about Jaechan getting sexually harassed, the more he remembers the people who crowded into his personal space against his will and put their hands where he didn’t want them. And while he might think that Jaechan acts like a fox most of the time, Gwanghyun knows how demeaning and scary it feels for someone to touch you against your will, when you’re powerless to stop it. 

Lee.GH. [i’m sorry. i’ve experienced something similar. i didn’t know you had too. sorry.]

He sends the text and then chucks his phone across the room. It lands harmlessly on Sewoon’s bed. 

In the morning, Jaechan has read his message, but hasn’t responded. Gwanghyun just sighs as he gets dressed. He’s done as much as he can do for now. He apologized. If Jaechan didn’t want to accept it and avoid him like the plague for the rest of his life, that was just fine by Gwanghyun too. 

He skips the next few library meetings because he doesn’t want to deal with the atmosphere of being around people who think he said something awful about Jaechan. It’s a pain in the ass to try to go to the library when the others aren’t there, but Gwanghyun manages to make it work for a couple of weeks.

buffalo [still no answer?]

hamster [none]

buffalo [did dongmyeong give you the right phone number?]

buffalo [could you have typed it in wrong?] 

Gwanghyun is about to answer that it’s possible when he literally walks into Jaechan. 

“Sorry,” Gwanghyun says. 

“No, I didn’t see you, sorry,” Jaechan echoes. He shifts awkwardly. “Um, I got your message. I didn’t answer because I didn’t really know what to say.” 

“It’s fine,” Gwanghyun says shortly. “Eunki told me to apologize so I just did.” 

Jaechan blinks, wringing his hands. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine,” Gwanghyun repeats but Jaechan waves his words away. 

“No, that’s not it,” he says. “I’m sorry that something like that happened to you too.” 

Gwanghyun freezes, then remembers that he told Jaechan he had similar experiences. “That had nothing to do with you,” Gwanghyun says stiffly. 

“I know, but still. No one should experience that. I’m sorry you did.”

“I don’t like you,” Gwanghyun blurts. 

Jaechan blinks at him rapidly.

“Just because you’re pitying me right now,” Gwanghyun gestures at Jaechan. “That doesn’t mean I like you. You put on airs in front of everybody to keep them wrapped around your fingers and it’s obnoxious. I can see through that.” 

Something shifts in Jaechan’s eyes and suddenly his demeanor is much colder. Gwanghyun wonders if this is Jaechan’s real personality. 

“Whatever happened between you and Sangbin hyung before doesn’t matter to me,” Jaechan says coolly. “Sangbin hyung has history with a lot of people. If you knew him at all you’d know he likes pushing other people’s buttons. Even if I tell him to not goad you, he still might.”

“I really don’t care. You two can have each other,” Gwanghyun snaps. “I’d actually much rather you tell the rest of our mutual friends to get off my case over what I said.” 

Jaechan shrugs. “Fine.” He turns on his heel and walks away. 

hamster [actually, i just ran into him, he was waiting to talk in person i guess]

That weekend, Dongmyeong formally introduces Jun to the rest of their housemates. Dongmyeong tells Gwanghyun that he told Jaewoo a couple days before in case Jaewoo was mad at him, but it turns out he wasn’t actually mad, so Jaewoo and Gwanghyun just happened to be privy to Dongmyeong’s secret before he told everyone else.

“Take good care of him,” Gunmin says to Jun, who nods eagerly. 

“Of course, Seoho sunbae! I love Dongmyeong. I’ll be really good to him.” 

Gunmin looks like he could be on the verge of tears. “Dongmyeongie, you chose really well,” he sniffles. 

Dongmyeong wraps his arms around Jun’s waist and beams up at him. Jun looks completely smitten and Gwanghyun smiles softly. It’s nice to see Dongmyeong look so happy in a relationship after the long weeks of whining that he never had any time to go looking for guys. He wonders if Dongmyeong has walked around campus on Jun’s arm yet, showing off his no longer theoretical but actual hot boyfriend. 

“When are you going to introduce him to Dongju?” Geonhee asks, cracking open a beer and then cursing under his breath when it foams up and runs down the sides of the can. 

Dongmyeong pouts. “I don’t want to. People always get on my nerves by saying he’s the better looking twin.” 

“I’ve met Dongju,” Hwanwoong says. “Can confirm, he is the better looking twin.” 

Dongmyeong scowls. “See?” He leans against Jun and huffs. “You are not going to meet my brother.”

Jun wraps his arms around Dongmyeong. “But even if other people think your brother is the better looking twin, to me you’re still the best.” 

“We’re identical,” Dongmyeong sulks. “I bet you won’t even be able to tell us apart.” 

“But I love you,” Jun insists. “I’d always know you.” 

Dongmyeong positively swoons while the rest of them groan good-naturedly over how cute they’re being. Gwanghyun drifts away from the happy couple over to Sewoon who is assembling some sort of elaborate bean dip with Jaewoo. 

“Here, Gwanghyun, want to help? I’m taking a break.” Jaewoo wipes his hands off on a towel and gives Gwanghyun his seat. 

Gwanghyun looks at what Sewoon has been working diligently on, which is apparently a heart made of refried beans. 

“Cute,” Gwanghyun says and Sewoon smiles. “Is everything okay with you? You’ve been going home a lot more than past semesters.”

Sewoon nods. “I have more free days so it’s easier to visit. I guess I like going home more now because our time in uni is almost over and I want to be close to home at this phase of life.” 

“I was just wondering since I feel like I don’t see you that much.” 

Sewoon smiles at him widely. “You’re not home much, that’s why. You’re usually out and about all day everyday. Is it fun?” 

Gwanghyun scratches the back of his head. “I guess it’s fun. Hanging out with Donghyun is nice.” 

“I see you smiling at your phone a lot. I’m glad you two are getting along so well.” 

Gwanghyun’s ears feel hot. “It’s thanks to you,” he mumbles. “You invited me to that party with you, and you gave my number to Youngmin who gave it to Donghyun.” 

“I’m happy you’re making new friends,” Sewoon says, as Dongmyeong wedges himself under Sewoon’s arm to dunk a chip straight into Sewoon’s bean heart. 

buffalo [so i’m at the gym with daehwi] 

buffalo [and he keeps on doing lunges and squats at the most random times]

buffalo [then i realize that he does this whenever this huge buff receptionist dude is passing by]

buffalo [i knew daehwi had ulterior motives he never exercises!]

hamster [daehwi fighting!]

buffalo [do you want to come by the record store tonight? i have my guitar, i’ll play for you]

hamster [i’ll be there]

It’s one of the warmest evenings of the early spring thus far, and Gwanghyun nudges the door to the record store open with his hip. He’s holding two milkshakes - since for Donghyun, it was too late for coffee - and smiles his greeting at Donghyun, who is already playing a simple tune on guitar. 

“Thanks for getting the door,” Gwanghyun says, pretending to be annoyed.

Donghyun grins. “You had it covered.” 

“So,” Gwanghyun sits, sliding Donghyun’s drink over to him, “what are you going to play for me?” 

“What do you want to hear?” Donghyun asks. 

“That song you were working on last time?” 

Donghyun shakes his head. “It’s not done yet.” 

“Do you have any songs that are done?” Gwanghyun asks. 

Donghyun pauses to think and then nods. “I got inspired by a drama to write this one, okay? Don’t laugh if the lyrics are cheesy.” He actually looks nervous as he plucks out a few notes so Gwanghyun nods and tries to look relaxed. Honestly, he’s excited to hear Donghyun play. He’s only heard Donghyun play simple tunes or popular songs from the radio, and has only heard him sing along in a quiet way, almost like he was humming. 

When Donghyun plays his song, Gwanghyun is wholly transfixed. He’s always thought Donghyun had a kind of magnetic quality to him, he assumes it’s why he and Donghyun got on so well the night they met and then afterwards, but making music is clearly a path Donghyun is meant to walk because he’s so in his element. Gwanghyun is totally taken in by Donghyun’s song and doesn’t think it’s cheesy at all. The dialogue between the couple in the song makes Gwanghyun’s heart feel fluttery, as if he’s the one having that kind of conversation with a lover. He gazes at Donghyun’s face; his eyes are turned down as he sings and Gwanghyun realizes belatedly that maybe those feelings he had before, the desire to have Donghyun closer than arm’s length, the uncertainty of whether or not he had a crush, were this kind of trembling love. 

Gwanghyun doesn’t think he’s felt like this before. 

He was in love with Sewoon for a time, but that love felt different. It was a warm and comforting feeling, and honestly, it didn’t feel all that different from the platonic feelings Gwanghyun still had for Sewoon. With Donghyun, Gwanghyun’s heart was restless. Even though Donghyun was a warm and comfortable person, there was something that made Gwanghyun a little bit afraid. 

The song ends, but Gwanghyun is still under Donghyun’s spell and he claps. Donghyun grins, finally meets his eyes, and blushes. 

“Did you like it?” he asks. 

Gwanghyun nods eagerly. “It was amazing.” 

Donghyun looks relieved and he gets up to put on a record. Soft acoustic music fills the store as Donghyun sits beside Gwanghyun again. Their milkshakes are partially melted by now so Gwanghyun churns his straw around trying to mix everything back together. 

“Daehwi’s been acting like your roommate,” Donghyun says. “He’s been complaining a lot about not having a boyfriend, which is why he must have followed me to the gym and kept on trying to catch the receptionist’s eye. It must be hard for him, Dongmyeong saw all those couples at school but Daehwi lives with us. Woojin has Hyungseob and he visits a lot, and Youngmin’s got Chungha, even though she and Daehwi get along so well sometimes they turn Youngmin into the third wheel.” Donghyun laughs. “They’ve got that American connection, I guess.”

Gwanghyun waits. Donghyun looks back into his eyes. 

“And me, well I have you.” 

An unspoken question hangs between them, Donghyun wanting to know if it’s correct to say that he has Gwanghyun, and Gwanghyun leans forward in his seat just slightly. “Can I kiss you?” 

Donghyun closes the gap between them and when their lips touch Gwanghyun feels warm all over. He realizes a little belatedly that he hasn’t kissed anyone in a while, but Donghyun’s lips are so soft against his that the thought soon fizzles out. 

When they pull apart, Gwanghyun is suddenly aware of how hard his heart is pounding. This is dangerous.

“Do you want to come over to my place?” Donghyun asks softly. “Nobody’s home tonight. It would just be us.”

Gwanghyun nods. 

Donghyun’s dorm is larger than Gwanghyun thought it would be. Maybe it’s just because only four people live there, unlike Gwanghyun’s dorm which houses seven at a squeeze, but every room seems more spacious than the last. Donghyun’s bedroom is full of character, the walls have posters of different music groups, and sheet music sits in stacks on his cluttered desk. His bed is neatly made and a few plush dolls sit on a shelf.

Gwanghyun and Donghyun sit beside each other on the bed. “Could I kiss you again?” Donghyun asks and Gwanghyun nods. Their second kiss brings back the warm tingling feeling all over Gwanghyun’s body and he reaches up to rest his hand on the back of Donghyun’s neck. His hair is soft. Donghyun shifts closer and soon they’re in each other’s arms on Donghyun’s bed. Gwanghyun kisses him open mouthed and Donghyun runs his tongue along Gwanghyun’s lower lip. 

If Gwanghyun felt nervous before, he doesn’t feel that way now. Even if it’s been a while since he’s slept with someone, his body reacts the same way. He kisses down Donghyun’s stomach and asks if Donghyun wants a blowjob. Donghyun fingers fumble with his zipper. This is something Gwanghyun has always been good at, so he’s prepared for the way Donghyun’s hips cant up and the way his hands tug on his hair. He’s even prepared for the way Donghyun hisses out apologies. Gwanghyun rests his hands against Donghyun’s thighs and focuses on Donghyun’s breathless groans of pleasure. 

Gwanghyun pulls away and Donghyun finishes in his hand. He rests his sweaty forehead against Gwanghyun’s, and when he opens his eyes, his gaze is so hot and intense that Gwanghyun feels faint just trying to meet his eyes. 

“Do you want to have sex?” he asks. 

“Yes,” Gwanghyun says. 

The smoldering look falters for a moment. “Do you have uh any preference? I haven’t done it that many times so…” 

“Whatever you want,” Gwanghyun tries to not shrug. 

Gwanghyun lies back as Donghyun hovers over him. They have to shift a couple times so they’re both comfortable, but finally Gwanghyun lets out of satisfied sigh as Donghyun starts working him open. Despite Donghyun saying he wasn’t all that experienced, it certainly doesn’t feel like that to Gwanghyun. 

“Is this okay? Are you ready?” Donghyun asks him softly and Gwanghyun nods. 

It’s been a while since Gwanghyun has slept with anyone, and when he did, it was usually just one night stands that lacked any intimacy. But Donghyun has him in as much of an embrace as they can be in while Donghyun can still thrust his hips into Gwanghyun. Gwanghyun buries his face in the crook of Donghyun’s neck and breathes him in, digs his fingers into Donghyun’s shoulder blades. Donghyun presses kisses against the side of Gwanghyun’s face and tugs on his earlobe with his teeth. Gwanghyun keens and bucks up into Donghyun’s thrusts. 

When he comes he clings onto Donghyun even tighter and a shiver runs down his spine when he swears Donghyun whispers that he loves him in his ear. His eyes are damp when he opens them, blinking against Donghyun’s flushed face and adoring eyes. 

They shower together, and Gwanghyun can feel the callouses left by guitar strings as Donghyun’s fingers massage shampoo into his hair. It feels nice. This feels nice. Gwanghyun has never had this with a lover before, and it feels so safe. He falls asleep in Donghyun’s bed, curled up next to him, with Donghyun kissing his damp hair, and Gwanghyun feels so peaceful. 

When Gwanghyun wakes up it’s still dark outside and he and Donghyun are nose to nose. Donghyun is fast asleep, breathing in and out slowly and deeply. Gwanghyun lets himself stare for a moment before he slowly rises from the bed. Donghyun appears to be a heavy sleeper, because he doesn’t stir even as Gwanghyun awkwardly ambles over him to get out of the bed. Gwanghyun picks up his discarded clothes and dresses as quietly as he can. 

This was a bad idea. Nothing good ever comes out of something like this. 

Gwanghyun bites the inside of his cheek to keep from sighing. He shouldn’t have given in to his desire, but he got carried away by the warm, safe feelings Donghyun filled him with. Even if Gwanghyun had admitted that he liked Donghyun and that without them trying they’d progressed past the point of being just friends, he hadn’t really planned on having sex. When they got to that point, he definitely wanted to, and it was good, but now Gwanghyun is kicking himself. He wasn’t going to do this kind of thing anymore! He has no idea how to make this sort of thing work. Gwanghyun has never had anything other than one night stands. He has no idea how to act now. 

So he does what he knows how to do best. Run away. 

Gwanghyun has reached the front door and has just finished slipping on his shoes when he hears the lock click open. Gwanghyun freezes. Shit. The door swings open and Gwanghyun comes face to face with one of Donghyun’s roommates. He thinks this is Woojin, because he looks vaguely familiar and Gwanghyun might have seen him talking to Eunki before. 

Before Woojin can say anything, Gwanghyun says, “I was just leaving,” and quickly slips by him. He walks away from the door without looking back and eventually behind him, he hears the front door close.

Gwanghyun doesn’t really know what he expected to change after he snuck out and left the night he and Donghyun slept together. He doesn’t know how Donghyun reacted when Gwanghyun didn’t answer his messages. He is sure that some part of him cares, that he wants to explain but he doesn’t know how. 

What Gwanghyun really doesn’t expect is to be face to face with Donghyun right now, Donghyun at his uni, Donghyun in his uni’s library, Donghyun holding his arm, asking for some kind of explanation. Gwanghyun doesn’t want to hear Donghyun asking him if he did something wrong, misunderstood something, did something Gwanghyun didn’t want. How is Gwanghyun supposed to answer him? He tries to say it was nothing like that. 

Gwanghyun doesn’t know what they look like right now, Gwanghyun kind of pinned between two bookcases and Donghyun apparently keeping him trapped there, but evidently it doesn’t look good because all of a sudden Jun has his hand on Donghyun’s shoulder, yanking him away. 

“Hey,” Jun’s voice is uncharacteristically cold. “He doesn’t look like he wants to talk to you.” 

Donghyun looks up at Jun and then back at Gwanghyun and Gwanghyun can see the wheels turning when they shouldn’t be. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Donghyun says flatly. 

Gwanghyun forces words out. “No! It’s not… He’s Dongmyeong’s…!” 

Donghyun rolls his shoulder to shake off Jun’s hand and gives Gwanghyun one final look. “Call me when you’ve figured things out.” 

Gwanghyun is amazed his legs don’t give out, even as Jun asks him if he’s alright. It feels nice to get babied like this - no wonder Dongmyeong likes Jun so much - as Jun sits him down and buys him a hot chocolate. His voice is very gentle when he asks Gwanghyun what that was about, and if he’s okay, and does he want to talk about it. Gwanghyun doesn’t know where to start. He says they’re friends, which they are, or they were. And they slept together. 

“Did you not want to?” Jun asks him. 

“No, I wanted to have sex with him. I just…” Gwanghyun doesn’t know. What didn’t he want? Feelings? For it to mean something? “I didn’t want it to matter.” 

Jun nods as he covers Gwanghyun’s hands with his. Everything about him is so large. “But it mattered to him?” 

In a tiny voice, Gwanghyun admits, “It mattered to me too.” 

Gwanghyun doesn’t even know where to begin when it comes to figuring things out. 

Jun was sweet, he asked Gwanghyun if he needed walking home - he did not - and wouldn’t let Gwanghyun leave the library without his phone number and a very sincere request to please call him if he needed any help. 

“I’m not actually good at fighting or anything,” Jun said sheepishly. “But I’m big and I can be intimidating.” 

It had made Gwanghyun feel better to know Dongmyeong had this kind of boyfriend. 

He could have waited until Donghyun woke up. Or he could have left a note. He could have responded to a text. Or sent one himself. Gwanghyun knows it’s a flimsy excuse that he doesn’t know how to do this and that’s why he just tucked his tail and fled. And now he’s ruined a perfectly good thing. It wasn’t hooking up that ruined it. It was all Gwanghyun. 

Gwanghyun ruined it. 

“Are you feeling alright?” Sewoon asks. He’s tuning his guitar in a way that makes Gwanghyun’s heart hurt. 

“Huh? I’m fine.” 

Sewoon’s not buying it. “You seem really down all of a sudden. You’re not on your phone as much. And you’re home almost all the time.” Sewoon looks at him but Gwanghyun turns away. “Did something happen between you and Donghyun?” 

Gwanghyun freezes. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sewoon asks. 

“I messed up,” Gwanghyun says slowly. “I did something that I shouldn’t have, and then reacted really badly. And so I really screwed things up with Donghyun and I don’t know what to do.” 

Sewoon blinks at him. “Shouldn’t you just apologize?”

Gwanghyun gapes at his friend. It can’t be that simple. 

“Unless,” Sewoon tilts his head thoughtfully, “is it something you can’t really apologize for? Well then, you could talk to him anyway. He can’t read your mind. Wouldn’t it be best if you could at least explain your point of view?”

“I don’t know if it will be that easy.” 

“Do you want to practice with me?”

“What? Explaining myself?” 

Sewoon nods. 

Gwanghyun’s insides shrivel up. “Maybe it’s better if I just leave things how they are,” he says.

“Is that really what you want?” Sewoon asks. 

Of course it isn’t. But Gwanghyun isn’t worth all the trouble he’s already caused Donghyun. Fumbling out some half assed apology wasn’t going to make it better. 

“You haven’t looked that happy in a long time,” Sewoon muses, returning to his guitar. “It might be the happiest I’ve ever seen you. You deserve that. There are some relationships worth fighting for, some you should try hard to save. Even if you think you really screwed it all up. Donghyun seems like the kind of person who listens. If you really don’t want things to just stay as they are, then talk to him, Gwanghyun. Don’t be afraid to be honest.”

“Thank you,” Gwanghyun murmurs as he crosses to Sewoon and hugs him. It hits him belatedly that Sewoon’s guitar is in the way, but Sewoon pats his back anyway. 

hamster [i’m sorry it took so long, and i’m sorry this isn’t a phone call, but i want to talk to you about what happened and why i acted like i did. if you want to talk to me, can you come and meet me?]

Gwanghyun is nervous. Spring is in full bloom now, and he’s waiting in the window seat of the cafe he and Donghyun have gone to a few times. Donghyun read his messages, but didn’t answer. So now he sits and plays the waiting game, praying that Donghyun will show up. It would serve him right if he didn’t, Gwanghyun thinks, but then again Donghyun doesn’t seem to be that kind of person. It’s Gwanghyun who’s like that.

He waits for twenty minutes, but then Donghyun walks through the door and Gwanghyun leaps up from him seat. Their eyes meet and Donghyun slowly makes his way to Gwanghyun. He’s dyed his hair a kind of rosy gold color and it really suits him. 

“Hi.” 

“Hi.” Donghyun sits across from him. 

“I didn’t think you’d show,” Gwanghyun ventures. 

Donghyun grimaces. “Well, honestly, I was late because I was working up the nerve to come in here.” 

Gwanghyun swallows thickly. Be honest. Sewoon told him to be honest. 

“I don’t want to make excuses about what I did.” Internally, he cringes. That already sounds like an excuse. Off to a bad start. Honesty. Be honest. “I am so sorry for leaving and for ignoring you. It’s not you. It’s nothing you did. I wanted everything. I was happy. You make me feel happy, and safe, and I got very carried away that night.” 

Donghyun’s brows are knitted together. He’s following along with saying anything. 

“I am a mess of a human being,” Gwanghyun continues. “I have no idea what I’m doing with anything in my life. It’s like I’m always drowning and relationships like this are not my strong suit. I’m not trying to make excuses,” he repeats, “but I have no idea how to act when it comes to things like this.”

“What do you mean?” Donghyun asks. 

Gwanghyun sucks in a breath. “I’ve never had a relationship with anyone. I’ve only ever had one night stands, or hooked up with guys who were going to give me something in return. I freaked out and I left because I didn’t know what to do. I was telling myself that I messed everything up. Once I do things like that, everything falls apart. Nobody actually wants to be with me, and since I’m such a mess, nobody should. It’s not fair for me to make anybody put up with my problems. You don’t deserve that, or the way I treated you.” Gwanghyun deflates. “I’m really sorry.” 

“Okay, okay,” Donghyun presses the heels of his palms into his eyes. “You and me, we seriously need to communicate better.” 

“I… what?” 

“Okay,” Donghyun removes his hands and blows out a big exhale. “I thought it was my fault. So after the library - I am sorry I showed up at your school but I was really freaking out - okay, wait maybe that first. I followed Woojin to school. I know that’s kind of creepy and I’m sorry for just showing up an accosting you. But at first, I thought I had pressured you into sleeping with me, and I remembered you had mentioned getting sexually harassed before, and I just needed to know that I hadn’t done that to you. So when you said that wasn’t it, I was relieved. But then I thought, oh, well it’s still my fault.” 

“It wasn’t,” Gwanghyun tries to say but Donghyun cuts him off. 

“I was thinking, I just told this guy I liked him and then an hour later we had slept together. And when you weren’t there when I woke up, and after the library, I just figured I rushed things way too much and I scared you off. I thought, I must have come on way too strong; you’re not supposed to put out on the first date or whatever.” 

“It’s not like that…” Gwanghyun says. 

“I was upset, and mad at myself, but I couldn’t be mad at you. I didn’t really think you’d talk to me again, but honestly, I was worried you were just going to end things face to face. Part of me didn’t want to come because of that, I would rather just leave things as they are, but Youngmin hyung told me I should come and either get real closure or be surprised by the conversation we’re having.” 

“Sewoon said the same thing, pretty much.” 

Donghyun’s lips quirk up into a small smile. “Hey, small world.” 

“I do mean it though,” Gwanghyun says softly. “I am a mess, and you don’t deserve to deal with my problems.”

Donghyun leans back in his seat. “You’ve said things like that before, but don’t you remember what I said?” 

Gwanghyun shakes his head. 

“I said, it all depends on what a person considers to be a burden. I don’t think that your problems are burdens that can’t be handled. If anything, they’re burdens you shouldn’t have to carry alone.” 

Gwanghyun flushes. “That’s a really nice sentiment, but in practice, it’s not going to work.” 

Donghyun raises his eyebrows. “I thought you haven’t been in a relationship before. How would you know if it will or won’t work?” 

“Don’t use my words against me!” 

Donghyun holds up his hands in surrender. “Listen, I’ll rephrase. If you wanted it, I am willing to try having a relationship with you. We’ll need to communicate a lot more if it’s going to work. But I want that. I like you so much. I’m willing to try.” 

Gwanghyun’s eyes are stinging. “But I…” 

“Do you like me?” Donghyun asks. 

“Yes,” Gwanghyun nods, “a lot.” 

“So go out with me,” Donghyun says. “We’ll figure it out as we go along.”

Gwanghyun sniffles. Great, now he’s crying for real. 

“If you feel like you’re drowning, it sounds like you need something to help you float. I can’t say everything will be better, I probably can’t help you find your life’s purpose, but if we can be happy, that’s good, right?” Donghyun wipes some of Gwanghyun’s tears. “What do you say?” 

“Okay,” Gwanghyun breathes in deeply. “Let’s give it a shot.” 

Part of Gwanghyun expects this to be difficult, so he feels a bit unsure when things are easy. He and Donghyun resume talking to each other every day and meeting at the record store most nights. It feels so normal and yet Gwanghyun feels like at any moment, things will change again.

“Do you ever think you’re setting yourself up for failure like that?” Donghuyn asks. 

Gwanghyun shrugs. “I never thought about it that way.”

Donghyun puts his arm around Gwanghyun’s shoulders. “You don’t need to think that the worst is about to happen. We promised to be communicative. So if you’re feeling upset about something, just talk to me. We’ll figure it out together.” 

Meeting Donghyun’s housemates goes something like this. 

Youngmin fawns over him - Gwanghyun is ill prepared for this over the top expression of love - and tells him how happy he is that Donghyun has met a nice guy. Gwanghyun doubts this in the back of his mind, because Youngmin was the one Donghyun fretted to when Gwanghyun was ignoring him. But Youngmin seems so genuine that soon Gwanghyun accepts this.

Woojin, recognizing him from the awkward morning after, continues to eye him warily until Gwanghyun mentions Eunki and then Woojin begins to warm up to Gwanghyun as they express some mutual admiration for Eunki. Gwanghyun wonders if Woojin has enjoyed tormenting Donghyun over him breaking the house rules or, if sensing that things weren’t going well at the time, had been forced to refrain.

Daehwi takes Gwanghyun’s arrival as a sign that he is destined to be alone since he is now the only single pringle in their family of four. Donghyun only grins and brings up Dongho, the beefcake from the gym, and Daehwi tries to shriek over Donghyun describing the myriad ways Daehwi had failed to catch his eye. 

“If he had fluttered his eyelashes any harder,” Donghyun says into Gwanghyun’s ear, “his eyes would have definitely fallen out of his head.” 

Gwanghyun covers his smile with his hand as Daehwi’s shriek reaches an even higher octave. 

Gwanghyun is so loath to hand in his thesis, he almost doesn’t let go of the paper as he hands it to the person in the music department who gets to wait all day for students to bring in their work. Donghyun takes him out for dinner to celebrate, though Gwanghyun isn’t feeling all that optimistic about his results. It’s a good thing he pulled the rest of his grades up or else graduating might get a little dicey. 

“So,” Donghyun says, “I have a gig at this club. I’m going to play guitar and sing for a bit. Do want to come?” 

“Of course,” Gwanghyun nods happily. 

Donghyun smiles brightly. “Good. I finally finished that song I was working on. I can’t wait to play it for you.”

“Really? When will you play it for me?” 

“Yup. At the gig.”

Gwanghyun pouts. “Other people are going to this gig, right? You won’t just be playing it for me.”

Donghyun leans forward. “Well, just know that even if lots of people come, I’ll be singing that song just for you.” 

Gwanghyun covers his face. “Oh, that was cheesy.” 

“But it’s true,” Donghyun says, prying Gwanghyun’s hands away from his face and kissing him. 

Gwanghyun and his housemates have a barbeque party to celebrate the end of the endless slog to hand in a thesis paper and Hwanwoong and Geonhee invite Insoo and Eunki over to join in on the fun. 

Everyone is in a good mood, and Gwanghyun is still amazed things haven’t blown up in his face. He’s never been happier. 

“You deserve to be this happy all the time,” Donghyun tells him often, usually between kisses, and Gwanghyun actually believes him. 

So in honor of the celebratory mood, Gwanghyun announces it. “I have a boyfriend.” 

Dongmyeong shrieks so loud Gwanghyun thinks he might now be deaf in one ear, especially after hearing Daehwi’s shrieking too.

“Who is it?” Dongmyeong demands. “Tell me!” 

“It’s obviously the guy he texts all the time,” Jaewoo theorizes. “The one he was having the gay crisis about.”

“But I want a name,” Dongmyeong shakes his arm. 

The rest of his housemates and friends begin to clamor for an identity reveal but Gwanghyun just smiles. 

“I’ll tell you who my boyfriend is after Dongmyeong introduces Jun to Dongju.” 

Dongmyeong deflates and soon all the attention is off Gwanghyun as everyone swivels to Dongmyeong to ask why he hasn’t introduced his boyfriend to his twin yet. 

Sewoon though is still beaming at him. “I’m so happy for you,” he says.

Gwanghyun smiles back. “It’s all thanks to you.” 

The club Donghyun is playing at is an upscale looking jazz club. According to Donghyun, it has great ambiance and great wine, but it costs an arm and a leg for a glass. Gwanghyun certainly feels a bit out of place, even though Donghyun forewarned him to dress for the occasion. His wallet also hurts as he parts with a painful amount of cash for a very modest glass of wine, but true to Donghyun’s word, it is really good. Donghyun isn’t the only musician playing tonight, so Gwanghyun gets to enjoy the music with him while Donghyun waits for his turn. 

When it finally is Donghyun’s turn, he smiles as he adjusts the mic stand and settles himself with his guitar. Gwanghyun smiles too, because Donghyun is so in his element performing. It’s a shame they didn’t know each other last year when Donghyun graduated university. He had mentioned one of his graduation requirements had also been a performance, and Gwanghyun is sure it would have been an amazing show. 

“Hey,” Donghyun turns his blinding smile on the audience. “I’m gonna play you guys a couple songs I’ve written. I hope you like them.” 

The first song Donghyun plays is the one he played for Donghyun at the record store. It sounds just as good the second time and Gwanghyun swells with pride when people applaud Donghyun warmly. 

“This next song,” Donghyun’s fingers begin to pluck out another familiar tune. This is the song he hadn’t let Gwanghyun hear before, the song that was finally finished. “I finished this one just the other day. I wrote the lyrics while thinking about someone very special to me.” The crowd lets out a soft “aww” and Gwanghyun’s face feels warm.

It’s a love song. Every time Donghyun’s eyes meet his in the audience, Donghyun smiles wider as he sings. Gwanghyun’s heart feels so light and airy it could float away.

“Did you like the song?” Donghyun asks him later, when they’re holding hands and heading home.

“I loved it,” Gwanghyun replies. 

“Good,” Donghyun grins. “I really was thinking about you when I was finishing the lyrics.” 

Gwanghyun blushes. "Thank you." 

Donghyun squeezes his hand. “Hey,” he says. “I love you.” 

Gwanghyun squeezes back. “I love you too.” 

Donghyun starts swinging their hands back and forth and Gwanghyun laughs as they walk home together.

**Author's Note:**

> for the past two and a half years that i've been writing this series, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading ♥️ i am so, so thankful, and i hope you've enjoyed
> 
> you can follow me on twitter @jy_kim8008 !!


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